Before Motherhood: 6 Things I Wish I'd Been Told

Happy Mothers' Day in advance to all you mom-friends!

This post is part of a Mothers' Day series (over at the blog of a new friend) called Thanks to Motherhood.  

Upon considering motherhood, all its ups and downs and the ways that God continually encounters and shapes my heart through it all, I wrote this list of 6 things I wish I'd known as I stepped into motherhood.

So, all of you, whether you're already a mama, or waiting to be one, or not even sure if you ever want to be one, this is for you.

I wish I had known...

1. That motherhood would bring me to the absolute end of myself. That sleepless nights and exhausting days and seemingly insurmountable obstacles would stretch me beyond the outermost rim of myself, of my capabilities, of my coping skills. And that that’s okay.

2. That motherhood would be the most fulfilling task I’d ever attempt – but only if I embraced each moment of it with a wide open heart. Only if I dove into RIGHT NOW, head first. Only if I chose to be present to my children, to my life, instead of wishing I was somewhere else, doing something else. That living present and engaged was what would make motherhood absolutely. awesome.

~~~

Today my writing is being hosted by Sarah, over at Girl Grows Up. You are hereby invited to click on over to Sarah's place to read the other 4 things I wish I'd been told before becoming a mom. :)

Blessings, my friends!

PS. Be thou not confused - I am still "unplugged" over here! :) I wrote this post in advance and have just stopped over here today to activate the link to Girl Grows Up.  See y'all in 2 weeks!

How Interruptions Aren't Really Interruptions

Pile of blankets on the floor next to my son's bed.  Leftover evidence of the nights we've spent sleeping there (me one night, my hubby the next).  Or trying to sleep.  Feverish, croupy, coughing kiddo makes for a looonnnnng night.

Messy house.  Pillows strewn all around.  Toys that've migrated out of the playroom and been abandoned in various and sundry locations.  Blanket here.  Kleenex box there.  Empty apple sauce pouch that didn't make it to the trash.  Dish mountain in the sink, waiting to be tackled.  Extra hours of Curious George on the playroom TV. 

Such is life in the Butler household with a sick lil' guy.

We stayed home from church yesterday morning.  Dearly missed worshiping with our church family.  But honestly, something in me willingly settled down into just laying low with my family.  I enjoyed it.


If I'd Choose to Stop Feeling Interrupted
And then there was this quote that somehow ended up in my inbox yesterday morning (of all mornings), from this post over at The Better Mom.  The timing was hilariously perfect.

“The great thing, if one can, is to stop regarding all the unpleasant things as interruptions of one’s ‘own,’ or ‘real’ life. The truth is of course that what one calls the interruptions are precisely one’s real life — the life God is sending one day by day.”
~C.S. Lewis

Hello?!  Did someone install spy-cams in my house to observe my life so they'd know EXACTLY what post to send me THIS morning?  I think I laughed out loud at how this post met me precisely in the midst of my exact circumstances.

When sickness invades our home and puts our "normal" lives on pause, it can feel like the greatest of interruptions.

Before that post hit my inbox, sometime in the middle of the night while I was rocking my sicky boy, my heart began to shift.  I went from hating the fact that I was awake and feeling sorry for myself because I'd only slept maybe a 10 minute stretch all night long, to thanking God.

Thanking Him for this opportunity to cuddle with my little guy.  Acknowledging that he won't be little much longer, that before I know it, he'll be too big to sit on my lap and let me rock him.

We hear these things often as moms of littles - from ladies in the grocery store, from our friends whose kids are older.  "Cherish every moment.  They grow up so fast."

Maybe we roll our eyes.  If not our physical eyes, then maybe we roll the eyes of our heart?  Is such a thing possible?

But it really is true.  They DO grow up quickly.  And God offers us grace to cherish these moments, the here and now, when we turn our hearts toward Him in the midst of them.  These "interruptions" of our "real" life that are REALLY our LIFE. 

And there's LIFE to be found in them.

There's LIFE in the extra cuddles and kisses that come with a sick little one.  There's LIFE in the laying down of my own life to serve my family.  There's LIFE in the sleepless nights when I turn my heart toward the Father, acknowledging that He sees my giving tylenol and stroking hair and propping up and adjusting covers for the 12th time, and all my rocking, rocking, rocking.

He sees all this laying down of my life, and receives it all as worship.  A pleasing fragrance to His heart.

There's LIFE to be found when I choose to stop feeling interrupted and wholeheartedly embrace this moment, the one I've been given.  

When I jump into RIGHT NOW with both feet, my heart anticipating divine encounter.

God's waiting in the right now, wanting to reveal Himself, to offer grace for the "interruptions" that make up our real life.  

Grace to stop feeling interrupted and be fully present - to God, and to our lives.

Jump in with me today?

~~~

P.S. - My first monthly e-newsletter will come out later this week, straight to your inbox if you're subscribed.  I'm so excited to share this with you!   In the newsletter I'll be able to share a little more intimately than I can on a public blog.  If you're not subscribed to receive it and you'd like to, you can go here to subscribe. (Only takes a few seconds.)

***When you subscribe to the newsletter, you'll also have the option to download my FREE e-book, Stillness Manifesto: A Call to NON-Action (Complete with NON-Instructions).  I just launched this book a week ago and it's getting some fun feedback.  Interested?  Click here to see what others are saying about Stillness Manifesto.***

PPS.  Want to click over to the blog?  It's right here.

8 Creative Ways To Increase Your Awareness of God's Nearness in the Day-to-Day

Hi friends!

The turning of your heart toward the Father in the midst of your day-in, day-out routines and circumstances absolutely delights His heart.  Focusing on His nearness can also dramatically alter our days: they are transformed from feeling mundane, to being filled with anticipation of divine encounter.  

God is always pursuing our hearts. In every single moment and every single circumstance of our lives.

Here are some creative, practical suggestions of how to increase your awareness of God's nearness and His pursuit of your heart in the midst of the plain ol' NORMALness of life.

1. Start out by leaning in.  Before your feet hit the floor every morning, pull your heart-priorities into order.  Confess your dependence on Him for every breath and every moment.  Trust Him to strengthen you and encounter you throughout your day.  Choose, in those first few moments of your day, to tune your heart in to His nearness and His tender pursuit of your heart.

2. Worship, worship, worship.  Playing worship music (hello, Pandora.com!) and singing from my heart to the Lord helps cut through a cranky atmosphere in our home, especially in the mornings when my son and his... ahem... mommy are often whiny and out of sorts.  Worship really does - it helps change the atmosphere.  The atmosphere of our homes, and the atmosphere of our hearts.  Declaring and agreeing with the truth of who God is aligns our hearts underneath that truth.  It changes our perspective and the way we experience the events of our day. (Important thought: If worship music is becoming just background noise, it often helps if I turn it off for a while and use other methods to stay aware of God's presence and voice.)

3. Meditate on Scripture.  Write it on sticky notes, note cards, etc.  Play recordings of it.  Choose verses in which the Lord highlights aspects of His heart toward you or His presence with you, and post them around your house.  Memorize and meditate on them.  Contemplate His heart as He reveals it to you through His Word.  (Verses I love:  Zephaniah 3:17, Psalm 42:8, Psalm 40:1, Deut. 31:6, Phil. 4:13, Matt. 11:28-30, Psalm 18, Psalm 139.)  I'd love to hear your suggestions of other verses in which you've encountered God's heart toward you in the comments.

4. Pray quick prayers to refocus your heart on His nearness.  Again, post sticky notes around your kitchen or office or wherever you spend the most time.  Write quick, one-sentence prayers on them that you can pray in 10 seconds or less, in the midst of whatever else you have going on, that will help reorient you to God's nearness and His pursuit of your heart.  Example: "Father, thank You that whether I'm aware of You or not, You are lovingly attentive to my heart and every detail of my life."  (Examples of more quick prayers to refocus your heart on His nearness can be found in my new (FREE!) e-book, Stillness Manifesto: A Call to NON-Action  (Complete with NON-Instructions).

5. Take note of His tangible nearness, and thank Him.  Pause periodically throughout your day.  30 seconds here, 2 minutes there.  In that brief window of time, ask the Lord to remind you of a moment or two thus far in your day during which His presence and/or voice was real and tangible to you.  Thank Him for making you aware of Him in those moments.  Repent for the moments in which you weren't tuned in to His nearness and ask Him to increase your awareness of Him.  We have not because we ask not, right? (James 4:2)

6. Your work can be worship.  Consider your daily tasks, whether you're parenting, cleaning, cooking, working a job, caring for an ill parent.  Whatever your season, whatever the Lord has put before you to do, turn your heart toward Him frequently in the midst of it.  Ask Him to remind you that He's there, to grab your attention periodically.  Remind yourself that when you do your work with excellence, as unto the Lord, He receives it as worship.  And He is right there, closer than your next breath, empowering you and offering grace for every. single. thing. He asks of you.  He invites you to step by faith into doing all of it in His strength and not your own.  And then, by faith, hear His "WELL DONE" as He whispers it to your heart in those moments.  Your lifestyle of worship delights His heart SO. MUCH.

7. Respond to Him in the hard stuff.  During your day, when a particular moment or circumstance is stressful or frustrating or makes you downright mad, pause.  As difficult as it may be to wrangle your emotions in that moment, turn your heart toward the Lord and briefly ask Him to show you how you can respond to Him in the midst of THIS moment, of THIS circumstance.  "God, what is your invitation to me right now?  How can I respond to you in this?"  He will be faithful to show you.  Responding well to His invitations in the midst of the difficult moments will dramatically change the way you experience those moments.  Situations that would otherwise have made you want to pull your hair out will become opportunities to experience His grace and peace and empowerment in a new way.

8. Practice stillness before the Lord regularly, as a spiritual discipline.  Make this a regular piece of your time with the Lord, in addition to prayer, worship, scripture, etc.  It will probably start out feeling like just that - a discipline.  But as you cultivate stillness as a regular piece of your life in God, resting with Him in this way will begin to be something that you look forward to.  God will use these times with Him to bring so, so much LIFE to your heart.  Experiencing God in times of stillness has revolutionized my walk with Him.  I've learned to focus on and know, in my gut, His nearness to me in those moments of stillness.  As I've learned to be aware of Him in those moments, that awareness has begun to carry over into the rest of my days.  I'm learning to be still and in tune with His whispers on the inside when I must be busy on the outside.  Stillness before Him becomes a heart atmosphere that, the more we practice it externally, the more we can carry it with us inside.  And stillness can be practiced in as few as 5-10 minutes a day.  

For 30 pages of info on learning to cultivate stillness as a piece of your life in God, I invite you to download my free e-book, Stillness Manifesto: A Call to NON-Action (Complete with Step-by-Step NON-Instructions). Just click the link and enter your email address to subscribe to receive my monthly e-newsletter.  When you confirm your subscription, you'll receive the private link to download the e-book.  

You can, of course, unsubscribe from my list at any time (though I do hope you'll stick around!), but the e-book will be yours forever and ever. :)

Blessings to you all, friends!  To those of you who are new subscribers in the last few days, WELCOME!!  I am so genuinely happy to have you all here.  May you continue to find blessing and encouragement for your heart here.  

And may you experience God's clear, tender leadership of your heart as you learn to tune in to His nearness more and more, day by day.

You are so loved by your Father.  So, SO dearly loved.

***Are there other ways you've discovered that help you to stay aware of God's nearness to you in the midst of your day-to-day life?  Please comment and share with us!***

~~~~

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Why God Speaks So Quietly

Isaac ate all his lunch yesterday.

It was a very big deal.

In our household, with our generally-picky eater, this is cause for great celebration.

Indeed, there was much rejoicing.

Isaac: "Isaac ate all his turkey!  All his banana!  All his granola bar!  All his lunch!  Ate dessert!  Isaac ate all his lunch!!!!"  (To be read aloud in slurred two-year-old-still-chewing-last-bite-of-dessert language.)

Mommy: "Good job buddy!!  You ate it all!!!!"

I walked over to him, wiped off his hands and face, congratulating him all the while on his triumph.

And then, as I lifted him out of his high chair, I paused.  Held his face right in front of mine.

"Isaac, buddy, look at Mommy's eyes.  Hey, look at my eyes, bud."

It took him a minute, me holding him still (well, sort of).  Finally calmed down and turned his gaze to meet mine.

Smiling into his big brown eyes, I whispered:  "I am so proud of you.  Good job eating, Isaac."

His eyes lit up and I knew - in the midst of all the noisy, wild rejoicing - what really penetrated, deep into his heart... was my whispered "well done."

Whispers Pierce Deepest

My own heart paused in that moment as the Father caught my attention.  It's His whispered words that penetrate my heart the most deeply, too.  More deeply than loud celebrations or enthusiastic proclamations.  

Whispers pierce our hearts the most deeply.

Why?  God's whispers require me to slow. down.  To wrangle my distracted, busy mind, to choose to still my heart and meet the gaze of my Maker.

It was Isaac's stillness, his eyes slowing down enough to meet my gaze, that allowed the weight of my "well done" to sink deep into his heart and light up his eyes.

And it's when we are still inside that the whispers of our Father have the power to deeply, tenderly take hold of our hearts.  It's the whispers that undo us, that overwhelm our hearts with His delight.

Today friends, may we be still. May we meet His gaze.  May His whispered delight pierce our hearts, deep.

And may we respond.  May we surrender to His love.

~~~A quick note from Dana~~~

Dear Friends,

During our recent giveaway, I asked the question, "What would you like to hear/see more of at Moments and Invitations?  Are there specific topics you'd like me to address?"

Here was a piece of an answer I received from my friend Lisa:

"Would love to see you address some practical ways to seek Him and use the moments well in the middle of crazy days with kids always needing something. Practical ideas on how to stop in the middle of it all and see Him. You've done this some and I suspect there is more coming."

Lisa, thank you so much for responding to my question!!  Today's post is definitely an example of a moment that I found myself pausing to experience the nearness of God, His pursuit of my heart, in the midst of the day-to-day busyness of motherhood.  Though my actual physical stillness in this moment probably amounted to 2.3 seconds, I was pondering and responding internally to His whisper to my heart as I went about my tasks for probably the next 30 minutes or more.

Just thought I'd throw out a practical, "here's what this looked like for me..." or what it looked like on this particular day, anyway.

Blessings to you all, friends.  May His nearness be tangible to you as you go about the tasks to which He's called you today.

~~~

As always, your comments are invited and your answers to the question I mentioned above are much appreciated!

If you've found encouragement here, could I invite you to subscribe to receive each post via email (just enter your email address at the top of the right sidebar)?

In addition, I will soon begin sending out, via email only, a monthly(ish) e-newsletter in which I will share a little more intimately than I can on a public blog like this one. This newsletter will go out to a smaller group of readers who've expressed a desire to stay connected at a bit of a deeper level.  It will include book-process updates, along with other glimpses into my life... and I will frequently invite feedback from that smaller group of readers on various topics (though providing said feedback is, of course, optional :) ). If you're interested in being a part of that group, please click here and input your email address.  It only takes a sec!

To those of you who've already done so, thank you!  I'm excited for this journey together.

Five Minute Friday: No Such Thing As Ordinary

Hola my friends!  Linking up again today with Lisa-Jo's community for yet another FUN 5-Minute Friday!  I love these - it's so interesting to see what comes out given very little time to THINK about what to write on a given topic.  No editing either.  You can join in the fun by clicking here. Do it!

And the word for today is....

ORDINARY

GO.

Ordinary...  I was thinking earlier this morning about how today felt so very ordinary.  I think I actually, in my thoughts, used the word "mundane."  But "ordinary" is even more accurate, I think.  I showed, prepped for the day, got my 2-and-a-half-year-old lil' guy ready, and out the door we went on errands.  Not fun, exciting errands, either.  "Boring" ones.  Bought Isaac a new little toy car at Target and by the time we were walking out of the store he had gone from being excited about his new toy to bawling because he couldn't have a huge toy jeep that he, unfortunately, happened to see on our way out.  Urgh.  Plan to keep overtired child happy and occupied? BACKFIRED.

So on the drive home this familiar Holy Spirit whisper knocked on the door of my heart... again.  I hear this from Him SO often because I SO often need to be reminded!  "Dana, when you tune your heart in to my nearness, the mundane is no longer mundane.  I'm inviting you to experience Me NOW."

I said yes to Him.  Gone is the ordinary.  Enter: extraordinary.  Exciting.  Anticipation-filled wonder.  HE IS HERE.  His heart is to make Himself known to me.

Viewing life through these lenses, there is no such thing as ordinary.

Not any more.

STOP.

No editing, Dana.  No.  Don't do it!  Don't.... do...... it!!

;)

Rough Morning... An Unfiltered, Not-Yet-Finished Story

Out with the old:  If I had a couple grand for a memory foam....

Hello there my friends,

This is one of those mornings.  Oh man.  Let me explain  [and possibly whine a little?].  I'm going to copycat one of my fave bloggers and a real encouragement to me personally, the lovely Robin Dance (because imitation IS the highest form of flattery, after all, annnnnd I really don't know a better way to explain all of this.) in the Roman numeral format that will follow.

i.

Isaac's been sick for a week... and so have I, but I'm doing much better now.   His sickness, however, has resulted in multiple nights in a row of... let's just say "severely limited...." sleep for all 3 of us.

ii.

Last night on the way to house church, I was telling Stan that my back was INCREDIBLY tight and sore, and asked him to rub my back when we got there.  He agreed.

iii.

Upon arrival, my friend Renee's husband, who's studying to be a D.O., volunteered to manipulate my back.  I volunteered to be a "practice victim" for him... and oh MAN, it was awesome.  SO. NEEDED. THAT.  I felt so much better afterward.

iv.

We currently have a  t e r r i b l e  mattress.  Like, uuuurgh... it is so DEAD.  And dented.  In the mornings after Stan gets up to shower, I (and my sore back) roll over into the middle of the king sized mattress, onto the "hump," in order to get an hour or so of supported sleep before Isaac wakes up.

v.

Enter the Sport Utility Vehicle song from the old Veggie Tales movie, "A Snoodle's Tale."  It rolled around in my head this morning over. and over. and over.... while I rolled around in my more-frustrating-than-usual bed trying to get comfortable and go back to sleep.  "I like your car.  I like yours too.  Is it a jeep?"  Sigh....  (If you'd also like to sing this song uncontrollably, constantly, click here.  It won't fail you.)

vi.

I rolled around trying to find a comfortable position for a good hour and 45 minutes, singing about a ridiculous SUV in my head, before I finally fell asleep, kind of diagonal across the lower half of our bed.  10 minutes later my beloved hubby was waking me up.  He had to leave for work... and Isaac was awake.

vii.

I stumble downstairs, realizing that all of the manipulation and snap-crackle-popping that my friend's hubby did on my back last night has been completely UNdone by our ridiculous mattress.  My whole back feels stiff and I would pay someone a LOT of money right now to DIG into my back muscles.  I wouldn't care if they bruised me.  Unfortunately, Isaac's not strong enough. 

viii.

I've been up since 5:30am.  Coffee, praise the Lord, was made by our house mate on her way out the door for work.  I pour in my almond milk instead of my usual heavy whipping cream (YUM) because our church is finishing up a 21-day Daniel fast this week... so no dairy.  It's okay... Jesus, not heavy whipping cream, is my source of strength.  I can handle this.  I can.  I CAN.  (Repeat.)

ix.

Just now, as I finished writing point viii, I picked up my coffee mug to take one more sip.  It's... GONE.  And no more almond milk in our fridge either.  No more coffee for this tired mama. :-/  Sigh....

x.

All of that to say... it's one of "those" mornings.  One where Jesus really IS enough, but my flesh sure does have a tougher time than normal believing it.  I keep praying, telling Him He's it for me today... He's my Source, my strength, my joy for this day.  My back doesn't feel better yet... but my (previously, and still slightly, whiny) heart is getting there.  Funny (and supernatural) how our emotions start to line up when we intentionally lean  into Him, remind our own souls that He's our EVERYTHING, and worship in spite of our emotions and/or how we physically feel.  He really is faithful.  Truth brings perspective.  He really is enough.  He IS.  I so need to KEEP reminding my heart of this this morning.

xi??

Side note:  Thank you Jesus for this incredibly awesome January thunderstorm that we're experiencing this morning.  Oh, it is so beautiful.  God is speaking my love language... the thunder and lightening reminding me with each flash and boom that He's here, He sees, and He cares.  His grace is sufficient for this day.

Blessings to you all today, friends.  May you experience His all-sufficiency today in your own frustrating/difficult/painful/annoying/exhausting-NESS.  May you draw near to His heart and find in Him all you need for this moment, and the next, and the next.  Annnnd may I.  (Definitely a little tougher than usual today.... But I know He's unchanging, no matter my circumstances.)

Moving on with this day now... My mantra?  Jesus, you're enough.  You're enough.  You're enough.  You're enough for me in this moment.....

Image Credit: greendairy.com

How Intimacy with Jesus Satisfies "The Last Abyss of Our Nature"

Beloved Friends,

There's this thing the Lord is doing inside of me, that He's inviting me into, that I can't resist sharing with you today.

It's relatively simple... and yet the complexity of it, because the human heart and nature are complex, is astounding.

I'll try to explain it in a quick nutshell:

We were all created with longings... "abysses" in our nature that were ultimately meant to be filled and satisfied by Jesus.  A huge part of our sanctification process, once we've given our hearts to Him, is learning to know ourselves, to know our longings, and learning to allow those places inside of us to be filled and satisfied by Jesus instead of running to other sources to find fulfillment.

A quick list of examples of false sources of life (past and/or present) that I've found myself hanging onto instead of leaving those places in my heart open, hungry, longing, so that Jesus can come in and fulfill them:

**Few, if any, of these things are "bad" in and of themselves.  It's when our hearts turn to them instead of Jesus for life, peace, fulfillment, strength, etc... that they become sin.**

• Friends.  Relationships.
• Facebook.  Human affirmation... or just human (adult!) communication. (As a mom, this can be a big one.  Not that it's wrong to have communication with adults... but when it is what we turn to before turning to the Lord... it becomes a false source of life.)
• Food.  Pleasure.
• Entertainment.  Pop culture.  Novels.  Movies.  TV.  Etc.
• Pleasing people.  Human affirmation.  (I mentioned it before, but it's a big one for me and bears repeating.)
• "The need to be needed."  Finding illegal affirmation in being "the one" that others call when they're in crisis.  Eeeesh.  I so don't like that one.  It's something the Lord's been dealing with me on for a good decade or so.  I feel like it's mostly gone...mostly filled by Jesus now... but every now and then a new little pocket of it will pop up and I'll have to turn to Jesus over it... again.

The other day I found this quote by Oswald Chambers, from "My Utmost For His Highest," that describes with incredible accuracy the "settled-ness" and satisfaction and freedom from these compulsive behaviors that I feel like the Lord is wanting to accomplish inside of me.  Till the very "last abyss of [my] nature has been satisfied by Jesus."

On my kitchen cabinet.  My prayer and my reminder that He's after my whole heart...
that every longing would be satisfied in Him.

"When once we get intimate with Jesus, we are never lonely, we never need sympathy, we can pour out all the time without being pathetic.  The saint who is intimate with Jesus will never leave impressions of himself, but but only the impression that Jesus is having unhindered way, because the last abyss of his nature has been satisfied by Jesus.  The only impression left... is that of the strong, calm sanity that our Lord gives to those who are intimate with Him."  
~(Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, January 7th.)

Amen... Lord, have your way in me... in all of the deepest places and darkest corners of my heart.

Would you join me, friend, in making this your prayer to Him this year?  He offers it to all of us - this complete satisfaction and filled-up-ness that's available only in Him... this strong, calm "sanity," which I would call perfect peace.   There's not a single one of us who know Him to whom this is out of reach.

One Word for 2013? I Think Yes.

Hola, my friends!  Happy New Year to you all!

I think with all of the gazillions of New-Year-related blog posts over the last week, I've just... kept... quiet.  Didn't want to add to the sense of pressure that a new year can sometimes bring.  Pressure to make and keep resolutions, pressure to start over in some arena of life.  Truly... there is SO MUCH pulling and tugging on our brains and our hearts at this time of year and it could easily begin to feel a bit overwhelming.

HOWEVER....

There is one New-Year-related bandwagon that has really intrigued me as I've heard about it over the last couple of years.  Intrigued me... and yet, I've never jumped on it... till right now.  And oh, I'm jumping.

It's this concept of selecting one single word to mark your year.  Selecting it out of a place of prayer over what God wants to emphasize to you, or to focus on within you, during the coming year.

I've been interested over the last couple of years to hear other people's choices of words.  Things like.... 

Prayer.
Listen.
Mercy.
Praise.
Ask.
Alive.
Faith.
Follow.
Grace.
Freedom.

Each word with so much more depth and meaning behind it than is visible at a glance.... meaning that flows out of the secret place of that person's walk with the Lord.

And so.... this year, given the season that I've been in with the Lord recently... I really, really have wanted to choose a word for this year.  And several have been floating around in my head, but I knew that none of them were right.  They actually were all varying aspects of the word that FINALLY occurred to me this morning, just as I was lying in bed trying to wake up.

Ready for it?

Presence.

The state of existing within a certain place.  AND...

...here are some quotes from David Benner's book Sacred Companions in which he very aptly describes the "presence" that I'm seeking to develop:

• "The presence of each person is unique, just as the atmosphere of each person's home is unique."
• "Presence involves a sharing of something of my deepest self."
• "Stillness, safety, and love are preconditions for... presence."
• "Presence begins with attentiveness.  This demands that I focus on the other person and his or her experience."
• "It usually means setting aside my own interests and preoccupations.  It also demands that I stop analyzing what I am hearing or rehearsing how I will respond.  And as I have noted, it also involves resisting the impulse to solve problems or fix things that appear broken."
• "Genuine presence involves being genuinely myself.  I can be present for another person only when I dare to be present to myself.  And as noted, I can be genuinely present to myself only when I can be genuinely present to God."
• "Presence to another person is sharing this gift of my true-self-in-Christ."
• "It is impossible to offer genuine presence to others if I am simply an assortment of roles.  Often we wear our personas like masks, each for the correct occasion.  The performance is so well-rehearsed that we fail to be aware that it is a performance.  But it is."
• "Being genuinely present to another demands that I be a real person.  It demands integrity of character - a correspondence between my inner world and outward appearance.  While none of us accomplishes this in any final state, spiritual friends are people committed to achieving this integrity.  Becoming their true self-in-Christ forms a fundamental part of their journey of Christian spirituality.  Presence does not demand perfection.  But it does require that I be on a transformational journey and committed to its continuation."

There it is.  My one word for 2013.  

And there are 3 different facets of presence that I feel the Lord wants me focusing on this year:

• God's presence to me.  His tender, intimate, undistracted attention to every detail of my life and my heart.  His attentive nearness to me and His desire to speak and encounter my heart in every single moment of every single day.
• Being present to God.  Present to His presence.  Being "tuned in" to His nearness and His voice and His heart.  Being aware of His nearness to me in the midst of the day-to-day.  This entails being present and engaged in THIS moment, not wishing years or days or even seconds away, but being zoned in on the RIGHT-NOW-ness of my life and God's activity in the midst of it.
• Offering the gift of true presence, as described above, to those He puts before me.  My husband and son.  My extended family when I'm able to talk with them. My church family.  My sweet friends.  My blog readers. :)  The clerk at the grocery store.  My bank teller.  My hair dresser.  You get my drift. True presence.  Zoning in on the heart, the story, of the one that God puts before me in any given moment.

All of this is so much easier said than done and I'm so thankful for grace.  I'm also thankful that as I lean into Jesus, He will empower me for growth in all of this, that I don't have to do it in my own strength.  Hooray!!!  

He is more than enough to fill in my gaps, and His strength is made perfect in all of my weak places as I surrender them to Him.

Annnnnnd, there you have it.  

I'm so looking forward to tacking this word up in various places around my house to remind me... that what He's extending to me and what He's asking of me and what will lead others straight to His heart... is genuine presence.

Do you feel inclined to ask the Lord to give you one word to mark your 2013?  I'd love to hear!  

Happy New Year, friends!  May it be blessed with a deepened knowledge of God's nearness to you and His commitment to your heart.

A Christmas Blessing [May You Know His Nearness and Sense His Pursuit of Your Heart]

The presents surround the tree.  Our woodwork is wound with greenery and ribbon and twinkling with sparkly lights.  It's 11 pm on Christmas Eve and my husband and I sit in our living room with only the tree and the twinkling greenery for light.  Instrumental Christmas music plays in the background.

Our son sleeps - having just turned 2 in September, he's still young enough that we don't think he'll be jumping on our bed at 5 am wanting to open gifts.  Next year... maybe. :)

We reflect on the past year.  The highs and lows.  The wins.  The losses.  [Oh, how 2012 has brought both... incredible victories and heart-wrenching losses too.]  And we reflect on God's faithfulness through it all.  How he's sustained.  Provided.  Kept our hearts close to His.

I reflect on His continual pursuit of our hearts woven throughout it all.  His obvious hand of kindness, how it's been all. over. our. lives.

He is good.  He gives and takes away... and He's worthy of our trust.  

And He's after our hearts in it all.

My dear friends...this Christmas, may you sense in a deeper way than ever before your Father's tangible nearness and His intimate, tender, unrelenting pursuit of your heart.

May you see it woven throughout history, in the prophecies of Christ's coming, in the new-born Babe in the manger, in the spotless Lamb of God who was crucified and rose again to conquer death...to pursue intimate relationship with us... to win our hearts.  Mine.  And yours.

May you deeply know how He has valued you, how He longs for intimate friendship with you.  Everything about Christmas is evidence of His extravagant pursuit.

May you... may we... have tender hearts this Christmas, responsive to His tender, pursuing love.

Merry Christmas, dear friends!

Whether you're a "real-life" friend, or one that I've met through this blog... I love having you in my life.  Be so blessed this Christmas.

The Dismantling of Our Lives (A Window Into Raw, Unfinished Beauty)

The sink was piled high with dinner dishes.  The table still had crumbs on it and the dining room floor needed to be swept.  It didn't matter. 

Their hearts were so much more important.

Stan and I sat in our living room chatting and laughing with our dear friends who've been living and working on the other side of the planet for the last year and a half... and who will have to return there right after Christmas.  Our one time together as couples and we don't actually know for sure when we'll see them again.  

The seconds were precious.

The conversation meandered from ministry to life in the country that is currently their home to community and life as a part of the Body of Christ.

And then it happened.  It was the greatest gift they could possibly have given us.

Our friends opened their hearts...and poured them out.  About how it's been hard this last year and a half and how they can't understand what God is doing and how life has just. been. so. painful.

As my friend spoke, I listened intently, everything inside of me keenly tuned into the fact that this was a sacred moment.  A holy encounter.

She stopped talking.  We sat in silence and the seconds ticked by.  

I wanted to speak, to let her know that her heart had been heard, understood, that her story and her heart were being held with grace.  But the words wouldn't come.  I was too much in awe of the gift she'd just given.

It's so sacred - God's dismantling of our lives, of all that's familiar, and the secret ways He works in the deep places of our hearts, miles below the surface... how He fashions and molds and shapes our hearts, and how He's so committed to having His way in our depths, to conforming us more to the image of Christ and to intimately revealing His heart to ours and walking right beside us through it all.  

And how all of this is happening in our secret places, deep inside us, even, and especially, when everything around us and everything inside us are so dark that we can't see His hand.  

He's carving raw beauty in the darkness.  In the pain.  So sacred, His processes inside of us.

So the seconds ticked by and finally my friend whispered, fighting tears and staring down at her lap, "Sorry..." and I squeaked out something about "please don't apologize - this is the real stuff..." and my feeble words in that moment just could not come close to doing justice to all that was burning in my heart.

She had given us the gift of beauty.  Exposed the raw, unfinished, painful, gut-wrenchingly glorious process.  All of the unanswered questions and all of the aching and the not understanding and the pulling out of props and the gentle, tender breaking down of the human soul until all that remains is just that heart, and its Creator... and where do we go from here?  

And she shared it all with us.  They both did.

They apologized for complaining and we tried to explain how this was the furthest thing in the world from that.  This is the reality of life and even though they can't see it in this season, we can see the hand of God and their raw honesty was the gift that made the way for us to see the beauty He's forming in them....

So sacred.  So holy.  So beautiful.  So profound and precious.

More time ticked by.  It was nearly midnight and I'd bet you that not a one of us was thinking about going to bed.  I know I wasn't.

We prayed with them and again my words seemed to fall flat.  I couldn't even begin to express how deeply my heart was affected by their vulnerability and the beauty of God's hand woven throughout their story, in all of its not-yet-completeness.

But I know that God will continue and complete the work He has started in these precious hearts.  And I am so crazy, ridiculously privileged to be able to stand here on these sidelines and cheer them on and behold and wonder at the perfect working of God in the lives of our sweet friends.

What an incredible gift.  I feel so challenged - challenged to more often allow those God's placed in my community a window into all of the rawness and beauty of His processes in my own heart and life...

And challenged to continue to intentionally seek to grow in my ability to steward well the hearts of those I love... 

To learn to hold the stories and hearts with which I'm entrusted with compassion and grace... to be one who sighs with and cries with and rejoices with others and doesn't try to fix... 

But one who, with just a few words of grace and compassion and truth, can toss into place a handful of stones that God will use to begin to form a bridge from the hurting human heart back to the tender heart of its Creator.

This is who I want to be.  I don't know what else to say today.  I just couldn't NOT write out all of these things that have been rolling around in my heart.  

Thanks so much for reading today, friends.  Praying that God will encourage you here.

Asking For Prayer Today [My Times Are in Your Hands]

Image Credit: trigger.photoshelter.com

Reading this "Birth Parent Situation Form" from our adoption agency for the 6th time won't make this birth mom choose our family.  

IT WON'T.

I sigh.  Make myself tear my eyes away from the computer screen.

It seems to be the perfect situation for us.  PERFECT.  Semi-open adoption.  African American baby.  Birth father is on board and willing to relinquish rights.  Baby due in January.

JANUARY.  As in, a month and a half from today.

Tomorrow evening, this precious birth mom will, if all goes as planned on her end, be handed a stack of profile books by the birth parent advocate at our agency.

Our profile will be in that stack.

Our agency representative says that our family's profile has consistently been in birth parents' top 3 choices.  We just haven't been number one yet.  But we WILL be picked, she says.  She's confident about it.  Probably soon.

And even now, I want to click over to that email and read the Birth Parent Situation Form yet again.  For probably the 7th time.  Grasping for some form of control, or at least to be able to guess what will happen.

And, once again, I have to surrender to the truth that I can't make this happen.  NOTHING I can do, in addition to what we've already done, can make this birth mom choose our family.  Nothing I can do will bring our baby into our family any sooner.

And there's no way to know right now whether this precious baby will be ours... or not.

It's a helpless feeling.  I am SO aching for our baby to come SOON.  Every time our profile is shown and not chosen, the ache is a little harder to bear.

Time is ticking.

And God knows.

Even now, in this very moment, this scripture, this sacred place of profound encounter and peace whispered to my heart, it comes cascading anew down from Heaven and crashes over my heart:

My times are in Your hands. (Psalm 31:15)

And they are.  Every season of my life, every desire of my heart... all of it - the aching, the waiting, the longing, the wondering... it's all in His hands.  THIS season.  THIS ache.  THIS longing.

And the invitation is to trust, to rest, to abide.

I'd be lying if I said this is easy.  But His grace is there... and it's always enough.  ALL-sufficient.  For this moment, this circumstance.

This waiting.

Father, You are worthy of my trust.  Your plans for my life and my family are good, and You are worthy of my trust.  

So I trust You.  Now.  In this season, with this ache, this longing that I believe has been divinely placed in our hearts.  Hold us now, even as we wait.  Draw us into the embrace of the Prince of Peace.

Friends, could I ask you to pray with us over the next 24 hours?  By the time many of you read this, it will be Tuesday morning and it's Tuesday late afternoon/evening that this birth mom plans to view profiles.  If all goes as planned, we should know something one way or the other that evening, or by Wednesday morning at the latest.  Please pray....

• For wisdom and the leadership of the Holy Spirit for this mama as she makes her decision.  Pray for His comfort over her heart as well.  I can only imagine the agony of her decision.  Oh Father, hold her heart...
• For our hearts as we wait, that we'll rest and trust and abide in Jesus.
• For us if we are not chosen, that God will hold and sustain and bring peace to our hearts.  That we'll be confident in Him and His heart and His plan for our family.
• For this precious baby, that the Spirit of God will be tangibly present with him/her, even in the womb. That he/she will supernaturally know his/her Father's nearness and love even now. That God will protect this baby and set him/her in the family that He has already chosen.

Thank you all for standing with us.  So much.

You are loved and more appreciated than you know. 

Be blessed today to know His grace, to deeply abide in Him in the midst of your own season of waiting, of not knowing... whatever it looks like.  He is there.  He is enough.  There is intimacy with Him to be found in the midst of the waiting.  May this reality blanket your heart today.

Obliterating "Mommy-Martyr Syndrome" [From Running On Fumes to Living In Him]

As much as I try not to, I tend to "zone out" a little spiritually when I travel.  Getting out of our normal routine as a family almost always equates to little to no focused, intentional time with the Lord for me.

This is a bummer for lots of reasons.

I really felt the absence of my times with Him on this past trip to North Carolina.  I had a TON of fun, great times with family, and even had some really sweet moments of prayer in the midst of doing other things, or as I'd lie down to go to sleep at night.  

But I also found myself much more distracted than normal, less intentional about praying "leaning" prayers, and less aware and in tune with His nearness than I have been for the most part as of late.

The interesting thing was that I didn't noticeably feel the results of my lack of focus and intentionality with Him until toward the end of my trip.  I'll share with you my primary symptom.  Can anyone else out there identify with this?

It was "Mommy-Martyer Syndrome."  Oh, I HATE how this is what I "default" to when I'm short on intentional time with the Lord.  For me, "Mommy-Martyr Syndrome" begins with a few yucky internal conversations... like this:

"Yeah, sure, I'll just handle this whining kiddo all by myself while you walk off blissfully unaware that I could really use some HELP here..."  Or....

"No, I really don't mind doing ALL the work while you sit down and put your feet up."

Sound at all familiar?  The thing about these internal "mommy-martyr" conversations, is that when I take a step back mentally and look at the situation a little more objectively, my frustration is, most of the time, at least 80% unwarranted.  Stan probably did nothing, or very little, to "earn" my frustration toward him.  (And yes, it is almost ALWAYS directed toward him.)

While these internal conversations are happening, I am often somewhat aware of them and disappointed by the condition of my own heart.  I hate feeling like that inside... hate the absence of the fruit of the Spirit and a Kingdom atmosphere (righteousness, peace, and joy) in my heart in these moments. 

But in the moment I usually feel powerless to change.

The next step, after the yucky internal convos, is a more obvious irritability toward Stan.  I'm quieter, my responses to him might be short, and I tend to be noticeably bummed out.

So... by the time we were on the plane on Saturday evening, heading back to Kansas City, this was a pretty accurate picture of my condition.  I was irritable.  Short.  Easily stressed out.  Not lighthearted.  Stan felt the brunt of it... undeservingly, I might add.

It wasn't till I had a few minutes to think and pray during our first flight (somehow, miraculously, in the midst of all of Isaac's exhausted-2-year-old-stuck-in-car-seat-on-plane ridiculousness) that I realized: my shorter-than-normal fuse was a direct consequence of my lack of focused time with the Lord.  

I had stopped setting my heart before Him daily in such a way that He was resourcing me for every moment.  I had gradually crossed the line from living life in His strength, to dealing with life in my own strength.  

And I can only run on fumes for so long before I start taking it out on the one human being who lays his life down for me more than any other: my husband.  In those moments, I am subtly looking to him to fill a need in my heart that only the Father can fill.

Ugh.  I hate that I do that.  I hate how I am capable of hurting Stan's heart.  I hate the ugliness that comes out of my heart when I move into that "Mommy-Martyr" mode.  When I'm running on fumes instead of being supernaturally resourced and empowered by my ultimate Source.

So... I prayed.  I repented.  I shared my revelation with Stan, told him how I realized I had been running on empty and not being resourced by my Father and how my irritability had been a symptom of that.  

And I reached out and held Stan's hand, despite my [unreasonable] emotions to the contrary.  

And immediately, the ugly heaviness lifted off of me. My irritability toward Stan was replaced by a gracious, affectionate heart toward him.  I'm not kidding - the heart-change was instant.  

This was SO not something I could pull off in my own strength.  I had been powerless to "fix" myself on my own.  It was the grace of God, His kindness that leads to repentance (Romans 2:4), and the moment I repented for trying to walk on my own and intentionally, in my heart, leaned into Him again, trusting Him as my Source, the grace was there.  Everything I needed was there.  It's all found in dependence on Him.

Just a thought for you today, friends: What are your personal "symptoms" of trying to do life in your own strength?  Of not intentionally positioning your heart to be empowered and resourced by the Father?  Maybe you could ask God to lovingly highlight these things to you?  To lead your heart back to a place of leaning into Him, of tapping, by faith, into the grace for each moment that He's already put within you through His Spirit?

He is so, so committed to doing this for us, my friends... and to walking intimately with us as we trust Him to be our Everything.

By his divine power, God has given us everything we need for living a godly life. We have received all of this by coming to know him, the one who called us to himself by means of his marvelous glory and excellence.

2 Peter 1:3 (NLT)