My Greatest Fear. For Real. [And Why I'm Refusing To Let It Paralyze Me]

Welp, I've decided.

I'm gonna let you in on my greatest fear.

Ready?

Eesh, this feels a more than a little vulnerable.

Okay.

<Deep breath>

My biggest fear is my own hidden heart-motives.  

Whew.

Inhale.  Exhale.

Okay.  Continuing:

When I get quiet, when I still myself before the Lord, and all of the peripheral noise and brain-clutter fade away, this is what rises to the surface, what comes up out of the depths of my heart.

I'm terrified of what's inside of me.  The pride I'm aware of.  The pride I'm NOT aware of.  The need for people's approval.  The fear of people's opinions.

I struggle so much with the fear that the things I do will be motivated by my broken places instead of being motivated out of security in the complete, total acceptance and freedom in Christ that are mine because of the blood of Jesus.  

Greater Than My Heart

Truth is, I vacillate between the two oh, so frequently.  I swing back and forth between fear and faith.  Craving approval, and being settled in knowing His approval.  And I waver between one hundred per cent confidence that I'm moving out of pure motives, and this terror that somewhere deep inside, I'm not.

Actually, let me just put it out there right now:  My motives AREN'T pure.  Not completely.  I am so. incredibly. human.

Prideful.  Fearful.  Frail.  Sinful.

BUT, even though all those things are true about my heart, even deeper and more real is the blood of Jesus, His righteousness purchased for me.  His purity that covers over all of my pride, fear, frailty, and sin.

My confidence must not be established upon my own ability to keep my heart and motives pure.  To try to do so on my own is self-righteousness.

I must lean into Jesus as my righteousness. Not on my own heart-purity.  

After all, the heart is deceitful above all things, and who can know it?

There is no. way. that I can search out every dark corner, every hidden motive, every broken place in my own heart.  It's not humanly possible.  When I try, I spiral.  

I am capable of cycling in introspection until it utterly poisons my heart, and a heart could die cycling like that.

Can I get an "amen?!"

Introspection without God's perspective is exhausting, draining, and not what we're called to do.

And praise GOD we're not.

This was why the Psalmist prayed "Search me O God, and know my heart."   And this was why John reassured the New Testament church that when our hearts condemn us, "God is greater than our hearts."

We cannot. CANNOT. search and know our own hearts outside of Him.

I sat with the Lord the other day and those same old heart-motive fears?  They started creeping up again.  Seems like no matter how many times I think I have their coffin door nailed shut, they keep mysteriously resurrecting.

Sigh.  

The fears want to paralyze me.  To squelch my forward momentum.  To keep me from becoming all I'm called to be.  From doing what I'm called to do.

But thank God, His greater-than-my-heart-ness won out quickly this time.

I found myself wrapped tightly in His knowing of my heart.  Inside and out.  Every room, every part of me.

Safe.

All my hidden, impure motives?  He sees every one.  Knows them intimately.  

And He's there.  Right. there.  He dwells and works in those deep, hidden places.  Refining, purifying, molding, shaping.  It's tender, gentle.  All of it.  And so. perfectly. trustworthy.

He knows you intimately too, friend.  Every secret intention.  Every hidden corner of your heart.  He sees you through-and-through.

And guess what?  He likes you.  Knows every part of you, and still tenderly pursues you.  Is still committed to His process inside you.  Still desires intimate friendship with you.  Still wants to move through you to reveal His heart to the world around you.

Impure motives and all.  Still-in-process-ness and all.

So who am I, anyway, to say, "God, You can't use me yet. I'm not ready"?  

And who are you?  

We are on a growth journey, each one of us.  And we will continue to be.  He will continue to refine, to correct, to bring to our attention the impure places in our hearts, in His timing.  And if our hearts are after Him, we will be tender and responsive to His precise conviction, to His tender purifying processes.

And the places in our hearts that are yet hidden?  Guess what: It's not our job to worry about them.

I don't know about you, but that knowledge makes me breathe a sigh of relief.  Like, almost daily.

It's HIS job, and He does this whole purifying-revealing-convicting-cleansing-me-on-the-inside thing so much better than I ever could on my own.

So.   I think I'll take some confident steps forward now.  

Steps into letting Him be fully Himself inside of me.  Into letting Him speak and move and extend His heart to others through me, despite whatever is going on in my depths that I'm not fully aware of.  

Because He sees it all.

Because He intimately knows my heart, and He is greater than my heart.  Because He has made me righteous, and I'm His work-in-progress.

He's more than got me covered.

So I can be confident.  Refuse to let fear paralyze me.  And move forward.  Become all I was made to be.

How 'bout you, friend?

Ready?  

Go.

Why I'm Coming Out of Hiding [Sharing My Process With Y'all]

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Well...  Happy April Fools' Day!  Any funny April Fools' jokes that you've played (or are planning, or have been victims of!) that you wanna share?  Share away!  Make me laugh! :)

So... in a NON-April Fool's spirit...

I've been thinking.

Shocking, I know. :)

In light of my recent ventures, I've been pondering the concepts of platform and circle of influence and the like.

Stuff that I'd generally rather not deal with.... hence, this blog has less than 100 official "followers."  And hence, I am not on Twitter.  And I was not, for a good while, on Facebook.

I have a dilemma though.  I'm writing a book. (<-- Click that for more info if you'd like.)

This message is burning inside me and I think I might explode if I don't keep writing it.  And I have zero desire to self-publish.  Which leaves me with traditional publishing as my obvious route to published-hood.  And when you go this route, agents and publishers and marketing teams? They want numbers. Fans.  Followers.  Circle of influence.   They want you to be able to contribute significantly to the marketing of a book if they decide to publish you. 

And my "numbers" are almost laughable. :)

I've been totally okay with that till now.... okay with writing for whoever was around and wanted to listen. I've enjoyed it.

I've also been just plain ol' resistant to the idea of working much to "promote" my blog, my core message, etc.  I've not wanted to go there.  Honestly, I've been afraid of my own heart and afraid of the opinions of people.  I'm sure I will write more about that soon, because it's something I'm processing a ton as of late.

But in the last month or so, I've had a handful of conversations with people who've been incredibly helpful to my heart in this arena.  They've said things like:

• "But Dana, when you promote your blog, your message, you are pointing people to Jesus."
• "You can have the most life-changing message in the world, but if no one knows it's there, no one will benefit from it."

And God bless the beautiful Emily Freeman for her ideas on building a bench versus building a platform.  

(PS - I highly recommend her blog.  Click her name above.  Follow her.  Buy her books if you can. You will love her heart.)

To somewhat loosely quote Emily's thoughts as she shared them with me recently, "A platform is a stage with the spotlight on you.  A bench is a place where people can come together to discuss things.  It provides a space for community to develop.  And I may be the person starting the discussion, but I in no way want to come off like I have it all figured out.  I'm on this journey with everyone else."

Light bulbs.  They were flashing all over the place in my head.  This is a concept I can get on board with.  This isn't arrogant or spotlight-on-me-ish.  I like that.

And I'm coming to the realization, albeit gradually, that my resistance to "marketing" my message has had more than a little to do with false humility.  If I am passionate about this message of discerning and responding to the invitations of Jesus in the midst of life... if I genuinely believe it will change others' lives as profoundly as it is changing mine... then why would I keep it quiet?

To quote my blog post in which I announced I'm writing a book...

Side note: True humility = ACCURATELY viewing yourself, your gifts and abilities. Agreeing with God's perspective on yourself and what He's put inside you.  False humility = not viewing yourself accurately, diminishing what God's put inside of you, magnifying our own weaknesses over God's ability to use you, to be glorified through you.  False humility is actually pride in disguise, because it's refusing to line up with God's perspective on us.

So...  Yes, publishers and agents want numbers. And yes, this realization was the impetus that started me pondering all these things.  But... all of this pondering (and praying and discussing) has led me to places where I honestly did not expect to end up.

I'm coming out of hiding.

And now... I'll just say it.  I have created a Facebook page for my blog.  I think, up till now, I may have been THE ONLY blogger in the universe without a page.  

Here's why (the quick version, anyway):

At least a few times per week lately, I've found myself wanting to shoot out an encouragement, a scripture, or a little blip of funny-ness or cool-ness, specifically to this community of readers.  A little blast of insight will hit me, or maybe a question for all of you who find encouragement here, and I'll think, "I wish I could shoot that out to my readers... but it's definitely not long enough to constitute a blog post."

Oh well... too bad I don't have a Facebook page for the blog.

No longer! :)  And even though I've walked into it reluctantly, I am now, admittedly, excited.  Excited to be able to share brief thoughts with all of you precious peeps a handful of times per week. And mostly, excited for the community that will be cultivated there, and for the way that it will enhance the community around here.

Annnnnd... to be straight-up honest with y'all, "liking" my Facebook page (and/or following my blog via email or a reader) will help me.  It will demonstrate to publishers that there are people out there who resonate with my heart, with my writing, and who might... just maybe... purchase my book whenever it finally comes out. :)

All of that said... my friends... could I ask you a quick favor?

If you're a regular reader here, or simply someone who finds encouragement here on occasion, would you go to my new Facebook page..... click that "like" button, share a comment if you feel so inclined, and then.... <<gulp>>.... would you invite a few friends?  If you have friends who love Jesus, and if you feel they would find encouragement here, would you share Moments and Invitations with them?  I would be so excited... :-D... 

If you DO feel inclined to share a comment (either here on this post or on the Facebook page)... would you consider answering this question:

How can I serve you, individually and as a community of readers?

Are there specific topics that you'd like to see me address here?

Are there questions you'd like me to try to answer?

(I can't promise I'll have answers, but I can sure give it a shot. :) )

Okay, so that was 3 questions.  I got going and couldn't stop myself.  See?  Told ya I had questions for y'all!

Last thing--- I promise.  THANK YOU for being here.  For reading and receiving.  For sharing your hearts when you do so.  For your trust.  It blesses and humbles me.

Y'all are dearly loved by your Father, and deeply appreciated by me. 

~~~

HEY GUYS!  Just an update to this post - stay tuned for details on Moments and Invitations' first official... giveaway... which we will host here on the blog IF WE REACH 120 "likes" by 10:55 this evening (Monday 4/1).  This is NOT an April Fools' joke! :)

The prize?  The Emily Freeman book of your choice.  (Click the link to check out her books - she is awesome.) 

Linking up today with The Better Mom... 

Lizard Skillz: Part 3 [Some Practicals... and How to Be Authentic Without Sharing Everything]

 It is impossible to offer genuine presence to others if I am simply an assortment of roles.  Often we wear our personas like masks, each for the correct occasion.  The performance is so well-rehearsed that we fail to be aware that it is a performance.  But it is.    

-David Benner, Sacred Companions

Hey friends, today I just wanted to offer a few brief practicals on this whole subject of dropping the chameleon super powers and laying down our masks.  If you missed parts 1 and 2 of this mini-series, here ya go:

I Have Lizard Skills: Part 1 [On Authenticity and Heart-Safety in Jesus]

I Have Lizard Skillz: Part 2 [How to Give the Greatest Gift Possible]

So... in the spirit of practicality... here are some ways that I feel the Lord has given me to "check myself" when I'm in any kind of a social situation where I might be tempted to whip out my ol' stand-by chameleon super powers.  These may or may not be applicable to you, so please just take them as examples.

• I'm smiling right now.  Is it genuine?  Fake?  Forced?
• I'm nodding my head, maybe saying, "Uh-huh" as this person is talking to me. Am I present?  Engaged?  Or is my brain somewhere else?  Am I going through the motions, or genuinely listening?
• Am I sharing my authentic, honest heart with this person?  Or holding back because I want to be seen as "having it all together?"
• Am I secure in this moment?  Confident in who I am in Jesus?  Or am I looking for ways to prove myself as I'm in conversation with others?
• Am I acting out of obligation?  Or out of security and genuine love toward those around me?
• Am I comparing myself to those around me?  Or confidently okay with being exactly who I am?

Again, your personal "chameleon warning signs" may differ from mine.  The key here is to ask the Lord to highlight to you your own symptoms that you've donned a mask, to be aware of what the red flags look like for you, and then continue to ask Him to heighten your awareness, in the moment, of when you start to slip into chameleon mode as you're in conversation with others.

When in-authenticity creeps up on me in the midst of a social situation and I become aware of it, I find myself needing to hit my mental reset button: I need to remind myself of who I am, and Whose opinion of me really matters, anyway.

I often mentally withdraw from a conversation for a few seconds, or even take a couple of minutes and get into a corner (or bathroom!) by myself to re-center my heart on the truth, to ask Jesus to help me settle back down inside, into Him and into my true self.  He's faithful in those moments to step in and bring a peace and settled-ness to my heart... like a breath of fresh air that enables me to confidently, peacefully, and authentically reengage in whatever conversation or situation I had previously been involved in.

When I walk into a situation where I know I'm going to be tempted to don my mask(s) (a.k.a. any situation where I feel insecure or out of my comfort zone), I often pray beforehand, something like this:

Father, help me to deeply abide in You in as I navigate this [meeting, event, social gathering, church service.... you fill in the blank].  Make me aware of moments that I slip into not fully being myself, being some other version of me.  Continually whisper to my heart, reminding me that You have accepted me and called me Your own, that I don't need to be anyone other than myself because I need no one's approval but Yours.  God, expand Yourself inside of me even now.  I want to fully surrender to You, to being who You created me to be, in this moment, in these interactions with others.  I want to be settled in You and comfortable in my own skin.  Teach me, Father.  

Help me rest in You, and help me love those that you put before me not out of a place of needing approval, but out of a place of confidence and security in my identity in You.

On a slightly different subject, I've struggled in the past (and still do at times) with not knowing how to be authentic and drop the lizard skillz, while at the same time using discretion in exactly what personal information is shared, and with whom.  And I just want to say this to you all:

Being genuine and sharing the gift of your honest heart, your true self, with those around you does not equate to never withholding any information, or sharing everything that's happening in your personal life or your heart.  

We should feel completely free to use discretion and discernment in what information we share, and with whom.

I absolutely love how David Benner explains this truth:

"Being genuinely me means being genuine.  This means that what I say, I mean and believe.  It also means that what I show, I feel.  It means not pretending.  Being genuine does not mean communicating everything I feel or think.  But it does mean that what I do communicate, I genuinely feel, believe, and think."  [From Sacred Companions; emphasis added.]

We can trust Jesus to guide us in learning how to be our genuine selves, how to give the gift of our honest heart at all times, while using discretion in when we totally bare our souls, and when we don't.

He is the ultimate Protector of our hearts, and I just have to say it again - it is He who holds our hearts gently and puts our broken pieces back together when we share our authentic selves and our hearts are not handled well by our human, fallible brothers and sisters.  He is trustworthy, and our true identity is wrapped up in Him... and it's out of this place of knowing who we are in Him, and trusting Him as our source of true heart-safety, that we can live free, wildly alive, and one hundred per cent engaged and real with those He puts before us.  We can only live well, and love well, when we live from this place of freedom.

And, like I said before, this is a journey.  Not somewhere we can arrive... but a continual process of surrender and transformation.  I am so committed to this adventure with Him, and the incredible thing is that He's more committed to this process inside of me than I am!

And I can lean back and rest in His commitment to me, knowing that I don't have to figure myself out or make transformation happen in my own strength.  He who began a good work in me will absolutely be faithful to complete it until the day of Christ Jesus.  (Philippians 1:6)

I get to put one foot in front of the other, hand-in-hand with Him, and partner with Him as I learn to lay down my chameleon super powers.  There is nothing more freeing than learning to live this way!

Be blessed, friends, to know Jesus intimately as your Source of heart-safety, to be deeply rooted in your identity in Him, and to live free and love confidently out of that place in Him.  

AND... on this Good Friday, may you find your worth, your value, in the blood of Jesus, shed for you, that is continually speaking a better word over you (Heb.12:24) .  You are His, bought with a price.  And we who once were far away have been brought near...  praise Him!! (Eph. 2:13)

Thank you, friends, for your trust and your presence here.  They bless my heart.

~~~

As always, any thoughts you'd like to share are more than welcome!  

What insights is the Lord giving you into your own masks and chameleon super powers?  

(To those of you who've tried to comment in the last couple of days and had issues, I apologize.  I tried to install Disqus on this site and it ended up causing more trouble than it was worth, so I'm back to the regular old Blogger comment platform, which isn't the greatest either.  Suggestions of other ideas for comment moderation, anyone?)  

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Out of the Closet [Gulp!]: Letting You in on My Secret Project

Well... [Deeeeep breath, Dana...]  

Here I go:

I'm writing a book.

There.  I said it.   

Whew.

It's been in the works for a few months now.  And I've found it to be an incredibly intimidating, vulnerable thing to say: "I'm writing a book."

Intimidating because - WOW - the scope of a project like this is just incredibly massive!  Figuring out what exactly you're trying to say and what bits of info should be grouped with what OTHER bits of info and what order all the pieces should go in... breaking it all up into chapters with subheadings and good GRIEF it's a lot of work!!  And THEN you've actually gotta WRITE it!

And... vulnerable because by saying "I'm writing a book,"  you're actually (usually, if you're a believer) saying "The Lord's put something inside of me that I believe would be beneficial to a large number of people and I feel confident in my ability to put it all together and articulate truths and engage people's hearts...and I feel like the Holy Spirit will use my story and my writing to touch and change people's hearts."  And what a CRAZY thing to say!  It takes such CONFIDENCE and TRUE humility and I SO still struggle with the false version!

[Side note: True humility = ACCURATELY viewing yourself, your gifts and abilities. Agreeing with God's perspective on yourself.  False humility = not viewing yourself accurately, diminishing what God's put inside of you, magnifying your own weaknesses over God's ability to use you, to be glorified through you.]

And then there's the whole fear of man factor, the "What will so-and-so think if I tell them I feel called to do this?" factor... combined with the voice of the enemy whispering, "Who do you think you are?  You can't pull this off... and what good are your words anyway, to anyone?"

Man.  Sometimes all of it put together feels insurmountable.

I had NEVER DREAMED I'd write a book.  I had never had the desire to do so.  In fact, I'd specifically had the desire NOT to do so.  Haha. :)  Funny how God switches things like that around in our hearts.

Sometime this past fall I started to feel these... nudges... these tugs on my heart... and all these puzzle pieces of different truths that the Lord has burned in my heart through my various life experiences, they all started falling together in my heart, the different trickles of revelation and freedom all merging together as one river that actually made sense, all together... and I was stunned.  And I don't know if people will think I'm crazy for saying I really feel like God has called me to do this in this season... but I really do.  I think He has.

And in early December, I started writing.

I'm so thankful for Stan's support in this.  Some days I think he's more excited about it than I am.  I'm thankful too for the handful of close friends who have encouraged and supported me in this in varying ways.

But I've continued to really limit those who I've let in on this thing... mostly out of fear, I think.  I kept thinking, "Well, I'll wait till I get an agent and a publisher and THEN I'll tell people on a bigger scale."  And recently, I've felt the Lord asking me, "Where's the risk in that?  Where's the letting-people-in-on-your-process-with-ME?"

So, here I am... letting you in.  Telling you that really, there are days when I doubt my ability to do this.  But then I remember, "Oh yeah, I CAN'T do this.  It's His strength in my weak places... He's the one who fills in my gaps.  Right."  And I keep moving forward, keep putting one foot in front of the other, leaning into Him.

I have my book proposal 95% finished, down to the chapter-by-chapter summary with paragraph descriptions of the content of each chapter.  (That's the part I was most intimidated by.) I've written 6 chapters, 5 of which still need significant editing and adjusting.  I'm mostly stopping on the writing of chapters for now, getting my proposal up to par and working on the couple of "sample chapters" that will be attached to it when I submit it to agents for consideration.  That's pretty much the status of the project.

And...to be honest yet again...even though I have moments of doubting that I can pull it off... I'm also super excited about it. :)  And I'd love your prayer partnership as I am in this season of writing and editing and about to step into querying agents... and, in my heart, really being tested and having to surrender at new levels to the Lord on the things I'm writing about.  Wow... and that is a whole 'nother blog post right there.  Maybe one of these days. :)

Blessings and love to all of you, my friends....  Forgive the bit of extra silence around here in this season.  Now you know the reason why! :)

image credit: supremacyandsurvival.blogspot.com

How There's No Sweeter Intimacy With Him Than Allowing Him Into Our Weakest Places

These gaps in my nature, in my heart...

All of these places where I'm so beyond inadequate for all that He's put before me...

They're the best opportunities to be filled by Him...

To experience His river, His living water, how it comes in and fills in my holes and covers my weak places, actually carving them out even MORE, into GREATER spaces that can be filled by Him.  

And the Father receives glory when I stop trying to be enough, acknowledge that I simply can't be, and lean back into His more-than-enough-ness, and let Him come and fill in all of my inadequate places.

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. ¹⁰ That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.  -- 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

Here's the best part:  There is no space between a river and the rock that it carves.  If He is the river that comes in and carves out my weak spaces, enlarging my gaps to be filled by more of Him, then the deepest intimacy with Him is forged in these places where there's no distance between His heart and mine.  

The more I am okay with acknowledging my weakness and leaning into Him, allowing Him to come and fill in my gaps, the greater and deeper and richer and more fulfilling will be my intimate friendship with Him.

A quick glimpse into the practical ways that I'm experiencing Him like this lately:  

There have been multiple "ministry-type"*** situations that have come our way recently for which Stan and I SO have not felt like we've had the answers.  The temptation is to try to figure it all out, to present as having all the solutions and speak into the issues from that place.  OR... to just completely back out of situations like these because we're SO aware of our inadequacy and we can tend to magnify our own lack of enough-ness OVER His more-than-enough-ness.

But the Lord has been inviting us to step into these situations confident in Him, to confess our gaps and our not-having-it-all-figured-out-ness to Him AND to those who come to submit their hearts to us... to pray and look to Him to lead and trust Him to provide wisdom as we ask, trust His commitment to the hearts of those who come... and we've seen Him come into those conversations and prayer times and work powerfully, sweetly, in the hearts of those dear to us.  FLOWING OUT OF our weak places.  His strength is made perfect where we're weak.  And there's nothing that leaves me more in awe and wonder of Him than watching the way He works and the way people are drawn nearer to HIS heart, when our weakness, and not our strength or human wisdom, is at the forefront. 

 He is glorified.  He has His way.  We get to watch... and fall more in love with Him along the way.  I feel so blessed.

(For the record... These principles apply in ANY area where we feel weak and inadequate: our jobs, PARENTING - can I get a "heck yeah?!" - our marriages, other relationships, our to-do lists.... I could go on and on and on.... He wants to encounter us and undo us with His more-than-enough-ness as we lean into Him in ALL of it.)

Father... please keep reminding me to lean into You in my weakness, to allow my gaps to be filled and even expanded by You so that You're glorified even MORE through my life... and so that You and I can walk together in deeper, sweeter intimacy than before as Your river is carving out space in my heart for more of You.  Have Your way in me, Lord.  I trust You.

Blessings to you, friends.  May you experience Him profoundly today as He provides opportunities to lean into Him in the midst of your weakness.

***The word "ministry" sounds so formal, and if I could, I'd change it to "sitting-before-the-Lord-with-people-we-love-to-seek-His-heart-together-and-share-His-wisdom-and-see-hearts-healed."  
(photo credit: niophoto.photoshelter.com)

Why This Year's Daniel Fast Was So Different [or... "Warning: Crazy Undignified Gratitude Bubbling Just Under the Surface, Ready to EXPLODE"]

I've mentioned recently that our church concluded a 21-day Daniel Fast this past Sunday.  This is something we do as a church family near the beginning of every year.  It sharpens our focus, reminds us of priorities, increases our unity as a church family, and is just generally a phenomenal way to start out a year.

In years past, I've participated in the Daniel Fast very, very willingly, wanting to be in unity with our church fam, and I've been consistent about intentionally seeking the Lord during that time, asking Him for specific, practical things, along with things that I've wanted Him to do in my own heart.  It's always been a really good experience for me.

But this year, there was something very different about these three weeks for me.  Leading up to the fast, I was EXCITED about it.  Not dreading giving up a lot of the foods that I enjoy, not begrudging, but really, genuinely excited.

During the fast, I'd be lying if I said there weren't moments that I craved heavy whipping cream in my coffee or dessert after dinner... or MEAT.... BUT.... the entirety of the fast proved to be significantly easier for me than it has been in years past.  And coming OFF of the fast these last couple of days has been very interesting.  I've enjoyed pizza and french fries and cheesecake and cream in my coffee... But I haven't found myself NEEDing them, or even being ALL that excited about them.

Interesting.

What's changed in my heart?  I mentioned  in my last post that in this season of my life the Lord has brought a sharpness, an alertness to my spirit that I maybe have never experienced before.  He has increased my awareness of His presence and activity in my life.  There's a fire of desire for Him in my heart that's grown to a level of intensity and purity that I've never experienced, in the entirety of my walk with Him.  I've been intentional to cultivate this in this season.  I've been wrecked by His love like I've never been before.  

I've been undone by the ridiculously scandalous GOODNESS of the Gospel, the finished work of the cross, all that Jesus purchased for us there.  Oh my goodness, the Gospel IS SO CRAZY GOOD!!!

And the level to which God has just wrecked me and undone me and WON me with these revelations of His love and His pursuit of my heart... it begs the question... WHAT SACRIFICE?!?!

WHAT?!  Jesus, you want my obedience and surrender?!  OKAY!  YES, LORD!!  What other response could I possibly have to the goodness of this Gospel?!   What?  A 21-day Daniel fast?  DONE!  YES to reigning in my flesh, choosing to channel all my desires toward YOU and not let my heart run around looking for satisfaction in other places.  YES to choosing to live my entire life for Your glory!  The way You encounter me intimately and satisfy my heart as I choose You in the little things, the seemingly-insignificant-but-really-incredibly-significant moments of my day-to-day journey... You just make it all SO MUCH MORE THAN WORTH IT!!

Oh my goodness, sometimes I feel so crazy these days... Like, so undone by how GOOD the Gospel is, how good HE is, how much insanely undeserved FREEDOM and wholeness and abundance He purchased for us on the cross... sometimes I feel SO UNDIGNIFIED.  And I do still struggle with the fear of man (though it's diminishing steadily) so this is an interesting combo - this wild, untamed GRATITUDE and my little moments of (still) wondering what people will think if I just go nuts and ditch the microphone and keys and run a couple laps around the church during worship because I just can't contain this crazy JOY anymore....???!!!

But I digress.

My entire point in all of this is that, when we really understand the goodness of the Gospel, how "we who once were far away have been brought near by the blood of Christ" (Eph 2:13), what it REALLY MEANS that we've been brought near to HIM...that the sovereign, all-powerful, terrifyingly holy CREATOR OF THE UNIVERSE, He INTIMATELY knows MY HEART, YOUR HEART, and He's made a way for us who were dead in our sin to be FULLY, CRAZY-ALIVE in Him and to live close to His heart, how His blood became our righteousness and purchased for us what we never could have attained on our own - right standing before our perfectly holy Father, completely clean, washed from our sin, made new....  How when God looks at us He sees us covered in the righteousness of Christ....  WHEN WE REALLY UNDERSTAND THIS GOSPEL, our obedience, our surrender, they'll FLOW FREELY out of a heart that's overwhelmed with gratitude and WHAT OTHER RESPONSE COULD WE POSSIBLY HAVE than to give Him our WHOLE. ENTIRE. LIVES?!?! 

Okay.  Whew!  Deeeeep breaths, Dana.

Um... I don't know where to go from here.  I think I was trying to explain why this year's Daniel Fast was so different for me from years past.  It's the revelation of the goodness of the Gospel... how truly understanding what He's done for us changes every. facet. of. my. life.  And how else can I respond but to completely lay my life down?  Fast?  Sacrifice?  WHAT SACRIFICE?

To quote (again) the old Jason Upton song that I recently referenced in a devotional I wrote during our Daniel Fast.... "This is NO sacrifice; here's my life!"

Thanks, friends, for sharing in my wildness today. :)

Be blessed to know, really, deeply KNOW, the wild, unrestrained love of Your Father's heart toward you today, friends... the ridiculous goodness of the GOSPEL.

You're so loved....

How Intimacy with Jesus Satisfies "The Last Abyss of Our Nature"

Beloved Friends,

There's this thing the Lord is doing inside of me, that He's inviting me into, that I can't resist sharing with you today.

It's relatively simple... and yet the complexity of it, because the human heart and nature are complex, is astounding.

I'll try to explain it in a quick nutshell:

We were all created with longings... "abysses" in our nature that were ultimately meant to be filled and satisfied by Jesus.  A huge part of our sanctification process, once we've given our hearts to Him, is learning to know ourselves, to know our longings, and learning to allow those places inside of us to be filled and satisfied by Jesus instead of running to other sources to find fulfillment.

A quick list of examples of false sources of life (past and/or present) that I've found myself hanging onto instead of leaving those places in my heart open, hungry, longing, so that Jesus can come in and fulfill them:

**Few, if any, of these things are "bad" in and of themselves.  It's when our hearts turn to them instead of Jesus for life, peace, fulfillment, strength, etc... that they become sin.**

• Friends.  Relationships.
• Facebook.  Human affirmation... or just human (adult!) communication. (As a mom, this can be a big one.  Not that it's wrong to have communication with adults... but when it is what we turn to before turning to the Lord... it becomes a false source of life.)
• Food.  Pleasure.
• Entertainment.  Pop culture.  Novels.  Movies.  TV.  Etc.
• Pleasing people.  Human affirmation.  (I mentioned it before, but it's a big one for me and bears repeating.)
• "The need to be needed."  Finding illegal affirmation in being "the one" that others call when they're in crisis.  Eeeesh.  I so don't like that one.  It's something the Lord's been dealing with me on for a good decade or so.  I feel like it's mostly gone...mostly filled by Jesus now... but every now and then a new little pocket of it will pop up and I'll have to turn to Jesus over it... again.

The other day I found this quote by Oswald Chambers, from "My Utmost For His Highest," that describes with incredible accuracy the "settled-ness" and satisfaction and freedom from these compulsive behaviors that I feel like the Lord is wanting to accomplish inside of me.  Till the very "last abyss of [my] nature has been satisfied by Jesus."

On my kitchen cabinet.  My prayer and my reminder that He's after my whole heart...
that every longing would be satisfied in Him.

"When once we get intimate with Jesus, we are never lonely, we never need sympathy, we can pour out all the time without being pathetic.  The saint who is intimate with Jesus will never leave impressions of himself, but but only the impression that Jesus is having unhindered way, because the last abyss of his nature has been satisfied by Jesus.  The only impression left... is that of the strong, calm sanity that our Lord gives to those who are intimate with Him."  
~(Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, January 7th.)

Amen... Lord, have your way in me... in all of the deepest places and darkest corners of my heart.

Would you join me, friend, in making this your prayer to Him this year?  He offers it to all of us - this complete satisfaction and filled-up-ness that's available only in Him... this strong, calm "sanity," which I would call perfect peace.   There's not a single one of us who know Him to whom this is out of reach.

Communicating with Confidence [Where Are the Limbs Out on which We Once Walked?!]

Conviction.  Authority.  Purpose.

That every word I speak, every song I sing, and every prayer I pray, would be laden with it.  Pregnant with it.  Thick with it.

This is my prayer to the Lord in this season.

I'm realizing ways in which I've diminished myself.  It happens in many facets of my life, but one area that God is highlighting to me these days is my communication.  I, and I believe the great majority of us, have a tendency to shrink back from confidently expressing opinions... and for me, that is especially evident in my leadership of those I'm pouring into.  It especially comes out when I'm sharing the things that Jesus is doing in my heart, or the things I believe He's saying to those I lead... those I love.  

When I'm insecure, when I'm not confident in the Lord, it manifests in several different ways, not the least of which is the filling of the air with meaningless words... like, totally just whatever, ya know?

Here's a video by Taylor Mali that describes with incredible accuracy this self-diminishing that I'm talking about: (It's short and it's awesome.  Ya gotta watch it!)

But, on the cross, Jesus paid the price for me, that I would have complete confidence before the Father...AND complete confidence before men.  He paid the price for me to be so deeply rooted and grounded in His love that I can confidently speak my heart, speak it into the hearts of others, and not shrink back.  

When I speak and live this way, I am definitely walking out on more "limbs," but, more often than not, I am finding that, when I take the risk to communicate with conviction and authority, unapologetically, not holding back even an ounce of the passion with which I believe the things I'm saying... then He comes in and anoints and empowers my words and they are piercing straight to the hearts of those for whom they're intended, and God is going deep, rooting out lies, bringing truth and healing and correct perspective on His heart.

I'm learning.  I still fail, probably every day.  I still look back at conversations at times and think, "Oh man, I wasn't truly myself in that conversation.  I wasn't true to what's in my heart.  I wasn't true to the Lord and what I believed He was saying.  I shrunk back.  I withheld the fullness of what's in my heart.  I diminished myself, and therefore I diminished what the Holy Spirit was wanting to say and do.  And... since I didn't take the risk of communicating my beliefs confidently, with conviction, I missed an opportunity to deepen my trust in the Lord: to walk out on that limb and trust Him to "catch" me if the limb broke."

Fear of failure is a big piece in this puzzle.  It wants to keep me shrinking back.  Keep me from taking these risks.

And it is risky.  It's risky because we're afraid of people's opinions of our opinions.  And we're afraid that our depth of conviction, passion, confidence will make people uncomfortable. 

But as I try, as I succeed sometimes and fail other times, as I learn to obey Him in this stuff, He continually blows me away by the way He comes in and anoints and empowers and speaks through me to the hearts of those I love.  I'm still growing in this.  But, oh... it's so sweet, this journey with Him.

Do you identify with this struggle?  I'd be interested to hear some of your personal processes with the Lord around learning to confidently communicate the things He's put inside you.

Be blessed today, friends.  Be confident in His love.  Your identity rests in your value to your Father... the value spoken over you by the blood of His Son.

Revisiting the Foundational Reasons For My Existence (And The Existence of Humanity in General?)

Image Credit: ilifejourney.wordpress.com

Mike Bickle once said that every couple of weeks, he has to intentionally revisit the foundational reason for his existence and all that he does: to love God.

Lately I've been realizing my own need for periodic "alignment checks" within my heart around this topic also.  Realizing how quickly and subtly my heart and focus can get just a little off track.  I'm picturing 2 (nearly) parallel lines and how as they start to diverge, the difference in direction is virtually undetectable...but the longer you follow one of the lines, the greater your distance from the other.  My heart sometimes goes down this seemingly ALMOST-correct path for a good while before I realize that I'm several yards (or miles?!) away from the path that I had originally intended to take: simply, purely being loved by God and loving Him in return.

Oh, how I want to have no other agenda but abandoning my life to sinking deeper into the ocean that is His love, and intimately knowing His heart, and loving Him with wild abandon in return... my most extravagant love, just a pale reflection of the way He's loved me.

I absolutely ache for this...to really deeply love Him like He's loved me.

So I've just been doing this lately... revisiting my own foundational reasons for existence.  And as God's realigned my heart yet again under this ultimate calling, I've been reminded that everything else, all that's needed, will flow out of this place... a natural product of intimacy and love.

And anything that doesn't come out of this love isn't worth hanging onto anyway....

Empty Wells, Broken Cisterns, and Finding Fulfillment in Jesus

Image Credit: saltandlightblog.com

You could've heard a pin drop.

On the women's retreat this past weekend, the lovely Jordan Sundberg spoke to our hearts, and Jesus' words through her pierced deep.

The idea was of "empty wells," or broken cisterns (Jer. 2:13).  Her challenge (or one of her challenges) to us was to identify these places we go to try to find identity, life, satisfaction outside of Jesus.  The things that, on a surface level, appear to bring satisfaction and fulfillment to our hearts, but in reality, satisfy only shallowly and temporarily.  

Empty wells leave us empty... aching for more.

Relationships.  Chocolate.  Spouses.  Pleasing people.  Facebook.  Food.  Popularity.  Influence.  Hoping in a desire yet unfulfilled.  Control.  Coffee.  (Oops, did I really just write that?!  (Coffee may or may not occasionally be one of my personal empty wells.))

None of these things are "bad" in and of themselves... but when they become the things we run to before seeking deep fulfillment and peace and strength and satisfaction in the Lord, they become "empty wells."  They don't ultimately satisfy.

I sat with those awesome ladies in the mountains and we listened and the presence of God was tangible and I would bet you money that there was not a single woman in the place that wasn't experiencing the tender, bittersweet finger of the Holy Spirit, revealing, leading, uncovering these empty wells in our hearts.

Aaaahhh.... it hurts so good.  Good, because He is so tenderly, fiercely committed to His process inside of us.  Committed to drawing us into Him until we find our everything in that Place alone.

Why do I find myself so often grasping at lesser sources of satisfaction?  Isn't the satisfaction I find in Him sweeter?  More fulfilling?  Eternal instead of temporary?  Yes.  Absolutely.  But... at the gut level... do I really believe it?  

Do I really trust His heart and His ability to satisfy me in my deep places more than anyone or anything else ever could?  When I turn to empty wells for satisfaction, the clear (and unfortunate) answer to the question... is no.  I don't trust Him. I don't trust Him to be enough, to really satisfy and breathe life into the deepest corners of my heart.

Ouch.

Again and again, God comes and reveals to my heart that the sources of "life" that we can easily see and feel and quickly access in the natural realm are the ones that can ultimately leave us the most empty... the least fulfilled.

And He has set it up this way. 

All our efforts outside of Him leave us longing for what can only be found in Him.  He hems us in on every side.  Everywhere we turn we run smack into the reality that nothing else satisfies.  

It's incredibly frustrating.  And it's His gift to us.  

Our inability to find the satisfaction that we so desperately seek in all of these other places, is actually evidence of His commitment to our ultimate fulfillment...which can only be found in Him.

Oh God... Reveal to me the places in my heart where I have "empty wells."  Forgive me for searching for fulfillment outside of You... for not trusting Your extravagant heart toward me, Your commitment to satisfy me completely, deeply, through and through.  Show me all of my broken cisterns, my empty wells, these hollow sources of false life... Reveal them to me, Father, so that You can come in and bring true satisfaction where all my running around has left my heart empty and broken.

John 4:13-14

Jesus answered, “Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give them will become in them a spring of water welling up to eternal life.”

One Step At a Time... LEANING

The other day, I was in a "funk" for most of the day.  Know the feeling?

Here's my [officially unofficial] definition - - 

FUNK (n):  The vague feeling that something's "off" in one's heart... very rarely connected to a specific event or cause... and almost always resulting in irritability and general bummed-out-ness.

Yup.... I definitely was in that place most of that day...  and it took me till evening to finally sit down with the Lord and figure out the root cause: that I was overwhelmed by everything that I'm NOT and all that I need/want to get done in the next week and all of the places where I feel inadequate.  

Bottom line: I'd had my eyes on my own weakness and weariness and inadequacy and all of the limitations on what I can accomplish within the realm of my own strength... instead of fixing my gaze on God's more-than-adequacy and the fact that I can do all things because HE is my strength. (Phil. 4:13)

And why is it sometimes so much easier to just STAY in that "funky" place than it is to get intentionally before the Lord and let Him sort out all of this ridiculousness in my heart?  Why did it take me all day to finally sit down and ask Him for insight into what was wrong?

Sometimes I think I'm just more comfortable being... uncomfortable... when God is sitting, waiting, holding out this perfect peace and rest to me, if I'm just willing to take hold of it. 

Anyway... so that night I finally sat with the Lord for a few minutes and realized I needed to re-read some things that He's spoken to my heart in the past.  

So I RE-reminded myself (or rather, stilled my heart so HE could RE-remind me) that:

•  in my weakness, His strength is more than enough, and He fills in my gaps.  
• in moments like these when my to-do list is overwhelming, I need to take a deep breath and allow Him to expand my heart to hold more of what He's wanting to accomplish inside of me.
• He is the Source of everything I need to do all that He's putting before me in this season.
• and that He rejoices in the fact that I have such a long way to go yet, because it's in the journey that He waits to encounter me intimately.

Image Credit: onyourwallsojerusalem.blogspot.com

And these truths of who He is, and how He pursues my heart ESPECIALLY when I'm so keenly aware of everything I'm not, and how He glorifies Himself when I lean into Him in my weakness... They're enough for me today.

HE is enough for me today...in all of the places where I'm so far from enough.

Bye-bye, funky funk!  Hello again, Peace and Joy and Rest!

Father, help me to rest in Your more-than-enough-ness today.  You are my completeness and everything I need for this moment... and the next... and the next... I find it all in You.  Let my roots grow down deeper today into You, my Everything.

Friends, today, may we take one step at a time... LEANING... and may we encounter Your heart deeply in the process... and see Your beauty displayed as You fill in our gaps.

Blessings to you today, dear ones... You are so precious to your Father.

How To Live a First-Hand Kind of Life (Pointing You Toward Some (IN)Couragement Today!)

Good Monday morning, dear friends!

Today I want to share with you an article that really blew me away the other day with its insight and TRUTH.  It's Sarah Mae's Post: How To Live a First-Hand Kind of Life and it appeared the other day at (In)Courage, which is a pretty big site for women that's run by Dayspring.

(Incidentally, they are publishing an article I wrote in their "Guests" section later this week!  So excited about that!)

So... the article at (In)Courage by Sarah Mae (check her blog out if you have a minute... she's really great.  Lots of depth and honesty there.) reminded me of this quote by Marrianne Williamson.  There are a few things about this that I don't quite agree with the way she worded... but the point is that God created us to be FULLY, WILDLY ALIVE... like I wrote about the other day a little bit.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

Anyway, check out Sarah Mae's Post today if you will.  And let God challenge you and draw you and strengthen you to be freely YOURSELF... the way He created you to be.

Be blessed today to encounter Him deeply as you do the things He puts before you today.  May we live our lives radically today, as extravagant worship before our extravagant God.