My Greatest Fear. For Real. [And Why I'm Refusing To Let It Paralyze Me]

Welp, I've decided.

I'm gonna let you in on my greatest fear.

Ready?

Eesh, this feels a more than a little vulnerable.

Okay.

<Deep breath>

My biggest fear is my own hidden heart-motives.  

Whew.

Inhale.  Exhale.

Okay.  Continuing:

When I get quiet, when I still myself before the Lord, and all of the peripheral noise and brain-clutter fade away, this is what rises to the surface, what comes up out of the depths of my heart.

I'm terrified of what's inside of me.  The pride I'm aware of.  The pride I'm NOT aware of.  The need for people's approval.  The fear of people's opinions.

I struggle so much with the fear that the things I do will be motivated by my broken places instead of being motivated out of security in the complete, total acceptance and freedom in Christ that are mine because of the blood of Jesus.  

Greater Than My Heart

Truth is, I vacillate between the two oh, so frequently.  I swing back and forth between fear and faith.  Craving approval, and being settled in knowing His approval.  And I waver between one hundred per cent confidence that I'm moving out of pure motives, and this terror that somewhere deep inside, I'm not.

Actually, let me just put it out there right now:  My motives AREN'T pure.  Not completely.  I am so. incredibly. human.

Prideful.  Fearful.  Frail.  Sinful.

BUT, even though all those things are true about my heart, even deeper and more real is the blood of Jesus, His righteousness purchased for me.  His purity that covers over all of my pride, fear, frailty, and sin.

My confidence must not be established upon my own ability to keep my heart and motives pure.  To try to do so on my own is self-righteousness.

I must lean into Jesus as my righteousness. Not on my own heart-purity.  

After all, the heart is deceitful above all things, and who can know it?

There is no. way. that I can search out every dark corner, every hidden motive, every broken place in my own heart.  It's not humanly possible.  When I try, I spiral.  

I am capable of cycling in introspection until it utterly poisons my heart, and a heart could die cycling like that.

Can I get an "amen?!"

Introspection without God's perspective is exhausting, draining, and not what we're called to do.

And praise GOD we're not.

This was why the Psalmist prayed "Search me O God, and know my heart."   And this was why John reassured the New Testament church that when our hearts condemn us, "God is greater than our hearts."

We cannot. CANNOT. search and know our own hearts outside of Him.

I sat with the Lord the other day and those same old heart-motive fears?  They started creeping up again.  Seems like no matter how many times I think I have their coffin door nailed shut, they keep mysteriously resurrecting.

Sigh.  

The fears want to paralyze me.  To squelch my forward momentum.  To keep me from becoming all I'm called to be.  From doing what I'm called to do.

But thank God, His greater-than-my-heart-ness won out quickly this time.

I found myself wrapped tightly in His knowing of my heart.  Inside and out.  Every room, every part of me.

Safe.

All my hidden, impure motives?  He sees every one.  Knows them intimately.  

And He's there.  Right. there.  He dwells and works in those deep, hidden places.  Refining, purifying, molding, shaping.  It's tender, gentle.  All of it.  And so. perfectly. trustworthy.

He knows you intimately too, friend.  Every secret intention.  Every hidden corner of your heart.  He sees you through-and-through.

And guess what?  He likes you.  Knows every part of you, and still tenderly pursues you.  Is still committed to His process inside you.  Still desires intimate friendship with you.  Still wants to move through you to reveal His heart to the world around you.

Impure motives and all.  Still-in-process-ness and all.

So who am I, anyway, to say, "God, You can't use me yet. I'm not ready"?  

And who are you?  

We are on a growth journey, each one of us.  And we will continue to be.  He will continue to refine, to correct, to bring to our attention the impure places in our hearts, in His timing.  And if our hearts are after Him, we will be tender and responsive to His precise conviction, to His tender purifying processes.

And the places in our hearts that are yet hidden?  Guess what: It's not our job to worry about them.

I don't know about you, but that knowledge makes me breathe a sigh of relief.  Like, almost daily.

It's HIS job, and He does this whole purifying-revealing-convicting-cleansing-me-on-the-inside thing so much better than I ever could on my own.

So.   I think I'll take some confident steps forward now.  

Steps into letting Him be fully Himself inside of me.  Into letting Him speak and move and extend His heart to others through me, despite whatever is going on in my depths that I'm not fully aware of.  

Because He sees it all.

Because He intimately knows my heart, and He is greater than my heart.  Because He has made me righteous, and I'm His work-in-progress.

He's more than got me covered.

So I can be confident.  Refuse to let fear paralyze me.  And move forward.  Become all I was made to be.

How 'bout you, friend?

Ready?  

Go.

Lizard Skillz: Part 3 [Some Practicals... and How to Be Authentic Without Sharing Everything]

 It is impossible to offer genuine presence to others if I am simply an assortment of roles.  Often we wear our personas like masks, each for the correct occasion.  The performance is so well-rehearsed that we fail to be aware that it is a performance.  But it is.    

-David Benner, Sacred Companions

Hey friends, today I just wanted to offer a few brief practicals on this whole subject of dropping the chameleon super powers and laying down our masks.  If you missed parts 1 and 2 of this mini-series, here ya go:

I Have Lizard Skills: Part 1 [On Authenticity and Heart-Safety in Jesus]

I Have Lizard Skillz: Part 2 [How to Give the Greatest Gift Possible]

So... in the spirit of practicality... here are some ways that I feel the Lord has given me to "check myself" when I'm in any kind of a social situation where I might be tempted to whip out my ol' stand-by chameleon super powers.  These may or may not be applicable to you, so please just take them as examples.

• I'm smiling right now.  Is it genuine?  Fake?  Forced?
• I'm nodding my head, maybe saying, "Uh-huh" as this person is talking to me. Am I present?  Engaged?  Or is my brain somewhere else?  Am I going through the motions, or genuinely listening?
• Am I sharing my authentic, honest heart with this person?  Or holding back because I want to be seen as "having it all together?"
• Am I secure in this moment?  Confident in who I am in Jesus?  Or am I looking for ways to prove myself as I'm in conversation with others?
• Am I acting out of obligation?  Or out of security and genuine love toward those around me?
• Am I comparing myself to those around me?  Or confidently okay with being exactly who I am?

Again, your personal "chameleon warning signs" may differ from mine.  The key here is to ask the Lord to highlight to you your own symptoms that you've donned a mask, to be aware of what the red flags look like for you, and then continue to ask Him to heighten your awareness, in the moment, of when you start to slip into chameleon mode as you're in conversation with others.

When in-authenticity creeps up on me in the midst of a social situation and I become aware of it, I find myself needing to hit my mental reset button: I need to remind myself of who I am, and Whose opinion of me really matters, anyway.

I often mentally withdraw from a conversation for a few seconds, or even take a couple of minutes and get into a corner (or bathroom!) by myself to re-center my heart on the truth, to ask Jesus to help me settle back down inside, into Him and into my true self.  He's faithful in those moments to step in and bring a peace and settled-ness to my heart... like a breath of fresh air that enables me to confidently, peacefully, and authentically reengage in whatever conversation or situation I had previously been involved in.

When I walk into a situation where I know I'm going to be tempted to don my mask(s) (a.k.a. any situation where I feel insecure or out of my comfort zone), I often pray beforehand, something like this:

Father, help me to deeply abide in You in as I navigate this [meeting, event, social gathering, church service.... you fill in the blank].  Make me aware of moments that I slip into not fully being myself, being some other version of me.  Continually whisper to my heart, reminding me that You have accepted me and called me Your own, that I don't need to be anyone other than myself because I need no one's approval but Yours.  God, expand Yourself inside of me even now.  I want to fully surrender to You, to being who You created me to be, in this moment, in these interactions with others.  I want to be settled in You and comfortable in my own skin.  Teach me, Father.  

Help me rest in You, and help me love those that you put before me not out of a place of needing approval, but out of a place of confidence and security in my identity in You.

On a slightly different subject, I've struggled in the past (and still do at times) with not knowing how to be authentic and drop the lizard skillz, while at the same time using discretion in exactly what personal information is shared, and with whom.  And I just want to say this to you all:

Being genuine and sharing the gift of your honest heart, your true self, with those around you does not equate to never withholding any information, or sharing everything that's happening in your personal life or your heart.  

We should feel completely free to use discretion and discernment in what information we share, and with whom.

I absolutely love how David Benner explains this truth:

"Being genuinely me means being genuine.  This means that what I say, I mean and believe.  It also means that what I show, I feel.  It means not pretending.  Being genuine does not mean communicating everything I feel or think.  But it does mean that what I do communicate, I genuinely feel, believe, and think."  [From Sacred Companions; emphasis added.]

We can trust Jesus to guide us in learning how to be our genuine selves, how to give the gift of our honest heart at all times, while using discretion in when we totally bare our souls, and when we don't.

He is the ultimate Protector of our hearts, and I just have to say it again - it is He who holds our hearts gently and puts our broken pieces back together when we share our authentic selves and our hearts are not handled well by our human, fallible brothers and sisters.  He is trustworthy, and our true identity is wrapped up in Him... and it's out of this place of knowing who we are in Him, and trusting Him as our source of true heart-safety, that we can live free, wildly alive, and one hundred per cent engaged and real with those He puts before us.  We can only live well, and love well, when we live from this place of freedom.

And, like I said before, this is a journey.  Not somewhere we can arrive... but a continual process of surrender and transformation.  I am so committed to this adventure with Him, and the incredible thing is that He's more committed to this process inside of me than I am!

And I can lean back and rest in His commitment to me, knowing that I don't have to figure myself out or make transformation happen in my own strength.  He who began a good work in me will absolutely be faithful to complete it until the day of Christ Jesus.  (Philippians 1:6)

I get to put one foot in front of the other, hand-in-hand with Him, and partner with Him as I learn to lay down my chameleon super powers.  There is nothing more freeing than learning to live this way!

Be blessed, friends, to know Jesus intimately as your Source of heart-safety, to be deeply rooted in your identity in Him, and to live free and love confidently out of that place in Him.  

AND... on this Good Friday, may you find your worth, your value, in the blood of Jesus, shed for you, that is continually speaking a better word over you (Heb.12:24) .  You are His, bought with a price.  And we who once were far away have been brought near...  praise Him!! (Eph. 2:13)

Thank you, friends, for your trust and your presence here.  They bless my heart.

~~~

As always, any thoughts you'd like to share are more than welcome!  

What insights is the Lord giving you into your own masks and chameleon super powers?  

(To those of you who've tried to comment in the last couple of days and had issues, I apologize.  I tried to install Disqus on this site and it ended up causing more trouble than it was worth, so I'm back to the regular old Blogger comment platform, which isn't the greatest either.  Suggestions of other ideas for comment moderation, anyone?)  

image credit

I Have Lizard Skillz, Part 2 [How To Give the Greatest Gift Possible]

Hi Friends!  Welcome to all, including those who are new-ish around here.  I am so, so happy to have you here!

Getting back on track today..... After Monday's totally unexpected pouring out of my deepest guts....  (And about that... I have to say - THANK YOU to all of you who commented, both here and on Facebook, expressing your sorrow and compassion.  I am moved and blessed by your prayers and support - for real.  Feelin' the love, guys... big time.)

Thanks for tracking with me through the somewhat-intense waters of my most recent circumstances and my need to process.  Means so much to me.  

And now... back to your regularly scheduled NON-program....

~~~

Image Credit:www.tylergore.com

So here's the thing about this whole chameleonskillz/wearing-of-masks-in-order-to-be-accepted issue:

We think we're doing what we need to do in order to please people, to ensure that they'll like us.

BUT.....

...when we do this, we deprive people of the greatest gift we could ever give them: our true selves.  Our hearts.  

My "One Word" for 2013 was Presence. 

Have you ever walked away from a conversation with someone and had this subtle [or not-so-subtle?] sense that they weren't really listening?  Like they were going through the motions of listening but their brain, or their heart, was somewhere else?  

If we're perceptive at all, we notice when someone is not being truly present to us.

Conversely... have you ever come away from a conversation with someone and felt seen?  Heard?  Valued? Validated?  Known? That person was giving you the gift of their genuine, authentic presence.  They were also, by default, giving you the gift of themselves.  Their honest attention.  Their true heart.  No masks.

There’s nothing sweeter or more life-giving than the exchange of our honest hearts, of our true selves.

Whenever we whip out our chameleon super powers, whenever we're even a little bit inauthentic, we are always at some level focused on who we think we need to be in a given situation instead of being totally focused on the person to whom we're trying to be present.  

When we wear masks, we withhold our genuine presence.  Our focus.  Our wholehearted listening and engaging and our holding well of their hearts and stories.  

We also deprive them of the honest sharing of our own hearts.  We hold back.  We double and triple check things before we say them, afraid of offending people or being misunderstood.  

We aren't truly ourselves, because at a deep level, we aren't trusting the Lord to protect our hearts.

And we aren't able to love those God puts before us well.

The journey toward genuine authenticity is just that: A JOURNEY.  It's not a concrete place where we can "arrive."  It's a continual growth process.  It’s a road that God invites us to walk, hand-in-hand with Him as He reveals to us our own hearts, our masks, and the areas in which He's drawing us into a deeper place of trust and surrender.

I say all of that to say this:  Please don't be hard on yourself as you notice your masks.  Don't allow the enemy to come in and bring condemnation.  We all have masks.  I still have them.  I still default to wearing them if I'm not careful.  

God doesn't reveal to us our lack of authenticity because He's upset or disappointed with us... but because He's inviting us into deeper trust, and into a deeper settling-in to who He's made us to be.  

He's drawing us into a place of accepting at a deeper level what HE says about us, resting in the truth of who He says we are.

It's only when we are defined by Him, settled in who and how He's made us, rooted and grounded in His love and delight over us in our core, that we can begin to authentically live out of that place... mask-free.  

No more chameleon skillz necessary.  

Aren't those chameleon moves exhausting to try to keep pulling off anyway?  Isn't it so stinkin' FREEING to just... lay... them... down?!

Workin' on making this daily, hourly, minute-ly choice to lay them down right along side you, friend....

(Also workin' on Part 3 to this lil' series... hopefully will post on Friday. :) )

Blessings to you all... really.  May you know His nearness, sense His protection over your heart, and live wildly alive and free... out of that place of trust in His love.

I Have Lizard Skillz. [On Authenticity and Heart-Safety in Jesus]

Do you see him?
image credit: http://www.dianabarshaw.com/chameleons.php

Hey friends,

Do you ever end up in a social situation - small or big - get into interacting and bantering and small-talking and a little while later realize that you haven't let yourself or your current heart-climate be known at all?  That in your interactions with people in that setting, you haven't been authentically yourself?

I confess: I do this.  I think all of us are capable of it.  More and more lately, when I fall into this wearing of masks, I'm noticing it.  The Lord is bringing to my attention at a deeper level lately my ability to don a certain persona in order to "fit in" within whatever setting I'm currently in.

I have chameleon super powers. I don't like this about myself.

There's this idea that's been tapping on my heart for months now and I don't feel like I've dug quite deep enough into it yet... at least, not as deep as I feel drawn to go.  But I want to share it here today, in its incomplete form, in hopes that as I share it with you some of the branches and brush in my heart will be cut back and I'll be able to move deeper into this idea.... of settling down into Him and into who He made me to be.

This is the invitation I feel from Him these days... when life stretches my patience and coping skills thin... and when I find my fears and insecurities popping their ugly heads up yet again [sigh...].

"Will you let Me settle down inside of you even more in this situation?  Let me expand your heart?  Let Me create more of a home for Myself inside of you? Will you settle down even more into who you are in Me?  Learn to be more comfortable with the ways that I've made you?  With your sense of humor and your body and your ways of being and doing and processing and sharing who you are?  Will you let Me into the places where you've worn masks in order to protect your own heart?  Will you let Me do the heart-protecting instead, and just freely be who you are in Me?  And be okay with it?.... And ENJOY it?"

Letting Him create more of a home for Himself inside of me looks like me coming to a place of peace and rest in the ways He has made me and the things He's put inside me.  It looks like me resting in Him and being comfortable and content with who I am.  Not necessarily content with where I am (we all have room for growth, and lemme tell ya - I want that!), but who I am.  

Allowing Him to settle down and expand Himself more within me results in this sweet, raw, genuine authenticity that grows and overtakes me from the inside out.  Authenticity before Him.  Honesty with myself.  Authentic living before those He's placed in my life.

Y'all, I SO long to be genuinely myself, all the time, in every circumstance and situation.  If that makes me stick out like a sore thumb, so be it.  But I think the more likely possibility is that it will draw others out of their own self-protective shells as well... that it will challenge and encourage others to learn to be okay with who they are, to let the Lord protect and define them instead of hiding behind all of these masks we've all learned to wear in order to be what we've thought we needed to be in order to be accepted.....?

There's only one way to achieve this true authenticity, to lose the chamelean skillz, to learn to live it out all the time, even in the most [formerly, and possibly even still] intimidating situations.  It's to be settled in Him, deep in the core of who we are.  Deeply at rest in the fact that He knows the depths of our hearts and not only accepts us, but delights in us, in all of the unique, quirky things about the way He made us.  At rest in the fact that HE is the protector of our hearts, and our masks are no longer necessary... finding peace in the truth that He is the One who tenderly holds our hearts and puts our broken pieces back together in those unfortunate but inevitable moments when we share our authentic selves and our vulnerability isn't handled well by our fallible brothers and sisters.

God... I want to be comfortable and at peace in being who I am, no matter the circumstance or situation in which I find myself.  I want to be settled in You, deep within.  Hidden in You so that I don't have to hide myself.  Enveloped in Your protection, not self-protecting - not using these chameleon super powers, trying to blend in.

Teach me Father.  Show me how.  Show me when I'm hiding, when I'm wearing masks... and show me how to be free.

image credit: http://www.flchams.com/breeder_chameleons.asp