My Greatest Fear. For Real. [And Why I'm Refusing To Let It Paralyze Me]

Welp, I've decided.

I'm gonna let you in on my greatest fear.

Ready?

Eesh, this feels a more than a little vulnerable.

Okay.

<Deep breath>

My biggest fear is my own hidden heart-motives.  

Whew.

Inhale.  Exhale.

Okay.  Continuing:

When I get quiet, when I still myself before the Lord, and all of the peripheral noise and brain-clutter fade away, this is what rises to the surface, what comes up out of the depths of my heart.

I'm terrified of what's inside of me.  The pride I'm aware of.  The pride I'm NOT aware of.  The need for people's approval.  The fear of people's opinions.

I struggle so much with the fear that the things I do will be motivated by my broken places instead of being motivated out of security in the complete, total acceptance and freedom in Christ that are mine because of the blood of Jesus.  

Greater Than My Heart

Truth is, I vacillate between the two oh, so frequently.  I swing back and forth between fear and faith.  Craving approval, and being settled in knowing His approval.  And I waver between one hundred per cent confidence that I'm moving out of pure motives, and this terror that somewhere deep inside, I'm not.

Actually, let me just put it out there right now:  My motives AREN'T pure.  Not completely.  I am so. incredibly. human.

Prideful.  Fearful.  Frail.  Sinful.

BUT, even though all those things are true about my heart, even deeper and more real is the blood of Jesus, His righteousness purchased for me.  His purity that covers over all of my pride, fear, frailty, and sin.

My confidence must not be established upon my own ability to keep my heart and motives pure.  To try to do so on my own is self-righteousness.

I must lean into Jesus as my righteousness. Not on my own heart-purity.  

After all, the heart is deceitful above all things, and who can know it?

There is no. way. that I can search out every dark corner, every hidden motive, every broken place in my own heart.  It's not humanly possible.  When I try, I spiral.  

I am capable of cycling in introspection until it utterly poisons my heart, and a heart could die cycling like that.

Can I get an "amen?!"

Introspection without God's perspective is exhausting, draining, and not what we're called to do.

And praise GOD we're not.

This was why the Psalmist prayed "Search me O God, and know my heart."   And this was why John reassured the New Testament church that when our hearts condemn us, "God is greater than our hearts."

We cannot. CANNOT. search and know our own hearts outside of Him.

I sat with the Lord the other day and those same old heart-motive fears?  They started creeping up again.  Seems like no matter how many times I think I have their coffin door nailed shut, they keep mysteriously resurrecting.

Sigh.  

The fears want to paralyze me.  To squelch my forward momentum.  To keep me from becoming all I'm called to be.  From doing what I'm called to do.

But thank God, His greater-than-my-heart-ness won out quickly this time.

I found myself wrapped tightly in His knowing of my heart.  Inside and out.  Every room, every part of me.

Safe.

All my hidden, impure motives?  He sees every one.  Knows them intimately.  

And He's there.  Right. there.  He dwells and works in those deep, hidden places.  Refining, purifying, molding, shaping.  It's tender, gentle.  All of it.  And so. perfectly. trustworthy.

He knows you intimately too, friend.  Every secret intention.  Every hidden corner of your heart.  He sees you through-and-through.

And guess what?  He likes you.  Knows every part of you, and still tenderly pursues you.  Is still committed to His process inside you.  Still desires intimate friendship with you.  Still wants to move through you to reveal His heart to the world around you.

Impure motives and all.  Still-in-process-ness and all.

So who am I, anyway, to say, "God, You can't use me yet. I'm not ready"?  

And who are you?  

We are on a growth journey, each one of us.  And we will continue to be.  He will continue to refine, to correct, to bring to our attention the impure places in our hearts, in His timing.  And if our hearts are after Him, we will be tender and responsive to His precise conviction, to His tender purifying processes.

And the places in our hearts that are yet hidden?  Guess what: It's not our job to worry about them.

I don't know about you, but that knowledge makes me breathe a sigh of relief.  Like, almost daily.

It's HIS job, and He does this whole purifying-revealing-convicting-cleansing-me-on-the-inside thing so much better than I ever could on my own.

So.   I think I'll take some confident steps forward now.  

Steps into letting Him be fully Himself inside of me.  Into letting Him speak and move and extend His heart to others through me, despite whatever is going on in my depths that I'm not fully aware of.  

Because He sees it all.

Because He intimately knows my heart, and He is greater than my heart.  Because He has made me righteous, and I'm His work-in-progress.

He's more than got me covered.

So I can be confident.  Refuse to let fear paralyze me.  And move forward.  Become all I was made to be.

How 'bout you, friend?

Ready?  

Go.

I Have Lizard Skillz, Part 2 [How To Give the Greatest Gift Possible]

Hi Friends!  Welcome to all, including those who are new-ish around here.  I am so, so happy to have you here!

Getting back on track today..... After Monday's totally unexpected pouring out of my deepest guts....  (And about that... I have to say - THANK YOU to all of you who commented, both here and on Facebook, expressing your sorrow and compassion.  I am moved and blessed by your prayers and support - for real.  Feelin' the love, guys... big time.)

Thanks for tracking with me through the somewhat-intense waters of my most recent circumstances and my need to process.  Means so much to me.  

And now... back to your regularly scheduled NON-program....

~~~

Image Credit:www.tylergore.com

So here's the thing about this whole chameleonskillz/wearing-of-masks-in-order-to-be-accepted issue:

We think we're doing what we need to do in order to please people, to ensure that they'll like us.

BUT.....

...when we do this, we deprive people of the greatest gift we could ever give them: our true selves.  Our hearts.  

My "One Word" for 2013 was Presence. 

Have you ever walked away from a conversation with someone and had this subtle [or not-so-subtle?] sense that they weren't really listening?  Like they were going through the motions of listening but their brain, or their heart, was somewhere else?  

If we're perceptive at all, we notice when someone is not being truly present to us.

Conversely... have you ever come away from a conversation with someone and felt seen?  Heard?  Valued? Validated?  Known? That person was giving you the gift of their genuine, authentic presence.  They were also, by default, giving you the gift of themselves.  Their honest attention.  Their true heart.  No masks.

There’s nothing sweeter or more life-giving than the exchange of our honest hearts, of our true selves.

Whenever we whip out our chameleon super powers, whenever we're even a little bit inauthentic, we are always at some level focused on who we think we need to be in a given situation instead of being totally focused on the person to whom we're trying to be present.  

When we wear masks, we withhold our genuine presence.  Our focus.  Our wholehearted listening and engaging and our holding well of their hearts and stories.  

We also deprive them of the honest sharing of our own hearts.  We hold back.  We double and triple check things before we say them, afraid of offending people or being misunderstood.  

We aren't truly ourselves, because at a deep level, we aren't trusting the Lord to protect our hearts.

And we aren't able to love those God puts before us well.

The journey toward genuine authenticity is just that: A JOURNEY.  It's not a concrete place where we can "arrive."  It's a continual growth process.  It’s a road that God invites us to walk, hand-in-hand with Him as He reveals to us our own hearts, our masks, and the areas in which He's drawing us into a deeper place of trust and surrender.

I say all of that to say this:  Please don't be hard on yourself as you notice your masks.  Don't allow the enemy to come in and bring condemnation.  We all have masks.  I still have them.  I still default to wearing them if I'm not careful.  

God doesn't reveal to us our lack of authenticity because He's upset or disappointed with us... but because He's inviting us into deeper trust, and into a deeper settling-in to who He's made us to be.  

He's drawing us into a place of accepting at a deeper level what HE says about us, resting in the truth of who He says we are.

It's only when we are defined by Him, settled in who and how He's made us, rooted and grounded in His love and delight over us in our core, that we can begin to authentically live out of that place... mask-free.  

No more chameleon skillz necessary.  

Aren't those chameleon moves exhausting to try to keep pulling off anyway?  Isn't it so stinkin' FREEING to just... lay... them... down?!

Workin' on making this daily, hourly, minute-ly choice to lay them down right along side you, friend....

(Also workin' on Part 3 to this lil' series... hopefully will post on Friday. :) )

Blessings to you all... really.  May you know His nearness, sense His protection over your heart, and live wildly alive and free... out of that place of trust in His love.

How There's No Sweeter Intimacy With Him Than Allowing Him Into Our Weakest Places

These gaps in my nature, in my heart...

All of these places where I'm so beyond inadequate for all that He's put before me...

They're the best opportunities to be filled by Him...

To experience His river, His living water, how it comes in and fills in my holes and covers my weak places, actually carving them out even MORE, into GREATER spaces that can be filled by Him.  

And the Father receives glory when I stop trying to be enough, acknowledge that I simply can't be, and lean back into His more-than-enough-ness, and let Him come and fill in all of my inadequate places.

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. ¹⁰ That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.  -- 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

Here's the best part:  There is no space between a river and the rock that it carves.  If He is the river that comes in and carves out my weak spaces, enlarging my gaps to be filled by more of Him, then the deepest intimacy with Him is forged in these places where there's no distance between His heart and mine.  

The more I am okay with acknowledging my weakness and leaning into Him, allowing Him to come and fill in my gaps, the greater and deeper and richer and more fulfilling will be my intimate friendship with Him.

A quick glimpse into the practical ways that I'm experiencing Him like this lately:  

There have been multiple "ministry-type"*** situations that have come our way recently for which Stan and I SO have not felt like we've had the answers.  The temptation is to try to figure it all out, to present as having all the solutions and speak into the issues from that place.  OR... to just completely back out of situations like these because we're SO aware of our inadequacy and we can tend to magnify our own lack of enough-ness OVER His more-than-enough-ness.

But the Lord has been inviting us to step into these situations confident in Him, to confess our gaps and our not-having-it-all-figured-out-ness to Him AND to those who come to submit their hearts to us... to pray and look to Him to lead and trust Him to provide wisdom as we ask, trust His commitment to the hearts of those who come... and we've seen Him come into those conversations and prayer times and work powerfully, sweetly, in the hearts of those dear to us.  FLOWING OUT OF our weak places.  His strength is made perfect where we're weak.  And there's nothing that leaves me more in awe and wonder of Him than watching the way He works and the way people are drawn nearer to HIS heart, when our weakness, and not our strength or human wisdom, is at the forefront. 

 He is glorified.  He has His way.  We get to watch... and fall more in love with Him along the way.  I feel so blessed.

(For the record... These principles apply in ANY area where we feel weak and inadequate: our jobs, PARENTING - can I get a "heck yeah?!" - our marriages, other relationships, our to-do lists.... I could go on and on and on.... He wants to encounter us and undo us with His more-than-enough-ness as we lean into Him in ALL of it.)

Father... please keep reminding me to lean into You in my weakness, to allow my gaps to be filled and even expanded by You so that You're glorified even MORE through my life... and so that You and I can walk together in deeper, sweeter intimacy than before as Your river is carving out space in my heart for more of You.  Have Your way in me, Lord.  I trust You.

Blessings to you, friends.  May you experience Him profoundly today as He provides opportunities to lean into Him in the midst of your weakness.

***The word "ministry" sounds so formal, and if I could, I'd change it to "sitting-before-the-Lord-with-people-we-love-to-seek-His-heart-together-and-share-His-wisdom-and-see-hearts-healed."  
(photo credit: niophoto.photoshelter.com)

To The Perfectionist Inside Of Me (and All Of Us)

Look upward before you look inward.  And look upward MORE than you look inward.

I recently wrote this post about excellence and perfectionism - the dramatic differences between the two, but how they can look so similar.

Since I wrote it, the Lord seems to have ramped up this process of revealing to me more of the areas of my heart where I still wear that "perfectionism shoe."  It's been kind of a difficult week or so.

I've caught myself gazing inward more often than upward.  Double and triple examining my own heart and motives more than drawing near to His heart.  Living in fear over the propensity of my own heart toward sin.  Unwittingly entertaining accusations from the enemy that come disguised as my own thoughts... that I'm not good enough... as a wife, a mom, a leader, a friend... as a lover of Jesus.  

I might've even been a little depressed, subtly.  I, and possibly Stan, are the only ones who would've known.

But then a couple days ago, I was standing in the bathroom, and mid-makeup-application, the Lord suddenly ripped a veil off of my eyes, and out of nowhere, I saw all of this self-criticism for what it was: agreement with the voice of the enemy.  Buying into the lie of perfectionism: that it is within my control and ability to be perfect, or at least nearly so, and I'd better get my act together somehow.

Oh, how I've gotta let it all go.

And how often I need to be reminded that I'm not enough... and it's okay.  It's not my job to be.

So... in light of the truth that all of my broken places and inadequacy are simply signposts to point me back toward awareness of my need for Him.....

To the Perfectionist Inside of Me (and all of us, I think):

All your trying, striving, performing, all this cross-examining of your heart... I want you to pick it all up, run into the presence of Jesus, and fall, however ungraceful it may look, at the foot of the cross.  Confess your weakness.  All your gaps.  All your failure.  

Confess the depth of your need for Him.

And hear His voice... let it wash over your heart like healing balm:

You are precious.  You are beloved of My heart.  You are more than enough for me if you never succeed at anything, ever, EVER again.  My love for you and desire for you are completely separate from your performance.  The blood of My Son has spoken identity over you.  This is where your value to ME is found: in His sacrifice to purchase your life... and not in your ability to perform.  Remember, daughter.  Remember how precious you are to My heart.  How the mere turning of your heart and eyes toward Me overwhelms My heart with delight.

Now, leaving all of the heavy, draining self-consciousness at the foot of the cross... stand up... and lean in.

Lean into the One who carries and resources and supplies all your needs.  The One whose strength is made perfect in your weakness.  The One whose beauty is revealed as He fills in your gaps.  The One who is ENOUGH in all of the places where you'll never achieve that status. 

Trust Him to gently lead your heart into more and more purity and peace... this is not something you are asked to accomplish on your own.   

Keep your eyes on Him and all that HE IS instead of all that YOU'RE NOT.  Worship.  Fix your gaze on His beauty, your heart on His faithfulness. 

His leadership is perfect and trustworthy... and if your heart is after Him and your eyes are turned toward Him, He will gently reveal areas in your life, in His perfect timing, where He wants to bring change.  (See this post on differentiating between conviction - from the Holy Spirit - and condemnation - from the enemy.)

It is not your job to continually dig around in your own heart and discover these places on your own.  It is your job to surrender to His work within your heart when He reveals these things.

Introspection apart from His grace-filled conviction and leadership is destructive.  But as you focus on all that He is, He will convict and reveal and transform and draw you more and more into surrender to His Lordship. 

He who began a good work in you will be faithful to complete it.  It's His job. 

 Allow Him to have His way in Your heart... and rest in the knowledge that He is committed to the process!  He is committed to partnering with you, to holding your hand as you continually walk toward holiness in the deep places.  Don't fear the dark corners.  He knows them intimately and holds you with grace.  Again, He's committed to the process... you can trust His perfect leadership.  And His heart bursts with affection for you NOW, dark corners and all.   

This is not sloppy grace.  His invitation is to wholeheartedly abandoning yourself to this journey of becoming more like Him ~~ doing it out of a place of trusting His leadership and resting in His commitment to you; not out of a place of fear over what's really in those deep places of your heart and whether you're "enough" or not.

You are His beloved.  Look upward before looking inward.  And look upward MORE than you look inward.  You can trust His process inside of you.