My Greatest Fear. For Real. [And Why I'm Refusing To Let It Paralyze Me]

Welp, I've decided.

I'm gonna let you in on my greatest fear.

Ready?

Eesh, this feels a more than a little vulnerable.

Okay.

<Deep breath>

My biggest fear is my own hidden heart-motives.  

Whew.

Inhale.  Exhale.

Okay.  Continuing:

When I get quiet, when I still myself before the Lord, and all of the peripheral noise and brain-clutter fade away, this is what rises to the surface, what comes up out of the depths of my heart.

I'm terrified of what's inside of me.  The pride I'm aware of.  The pride I'm NOT aware of.  The need for people's approval.  The fear of people's opinions.

I struggle so much with the fear that the things I do will be motivated by my broken places instead of being motivated out of security in the complete, total acceptance and freedom in Christ that are mine because of the blood of Jesus.  

Greater Than My Heart

Truth is, I vacillate between the two oh, so frequently.  I swing back and forth between fear and faith.  Craving approval, and being settled in knowing His approval.  And I waver between one hundred per cent confidence that I'm moving out of pure motives, and this terror that somewhere deep inside, I'm not.

Actually, let me just put it out there right now:  My motives AREN'T pure.  Not completely.  I am so. incredibly. human.

Prideful.  Fearful.  Frail.  Sinful.

BUT, even though all those things are true about my heart, even deeper and more real is the blood of Jesus, His righteousness purchased for me.  His purity that covers over all of my pride, fear, frailty, and sin.

My confidence must not be established upon my own ability to keep my heart and motives pure.  To try to do so on my own is self-righteousness.

I must lean into Jesus as my righteousness. Not on my own heart-purity.  

After all, the heart is deceitful above all things, and who can know it?

There is no. way. that I can search out every dark corner, every hidden motive, every broken place in my own heart.  It's not humanly possible.  When I try, I spiral.  

I am capable of cycling in introspection until it utterly poisons my heart, and a heart could die cycling like that.

Can I get an "amen?!"

Introspection without God's perspective is exhausting, draining, and not what we're called to do.

And praise GOD we're not.

This was why the Psalmist prayed "Search me O God, and know my heart."   And this was why John reassured the New Testament church that when our hearts condemn us, "God is greater than our hearts."

We cannot. CANNOT. search and know our own hearts outside of Him.

I sat with the Lord the other day and those same old heart-motive fears?  They started creeping up again.  Seems like no matter how many times I think I have their coffin door nailed shut, they keep mysteriously resurrecting.

Sigh.  

The fears want to paralyze me.  To squelch my forward momentum.  To keep me from becoming all I'm called to be.  From doing what I'm called to do.

But thank God, His greater-than-my-heart-ness won out quickly this time.

I found myself wrapped tightly in His knowing of my heart.  Inside and out.  Every room, every part of me.

Safe.

All my hidden, impure motives?  He sees every one.  Knows them intimately.  

And He's there.  Right. there.  He dwells and works in those deep, hidden places.  Refining, purifying, molding, shaping.  It's tender, gentle.  All of it.  And so. perfectly. trustworthy.

He knows you intimately too, friend.  Every secret intention.  Every hidden corner of your heart.  He sees you through-and-through.

And guess what?  He likes you.  Knows every part of you, and still tenderly pursues you.  Is still committed to His process inside you.  Still desires intimate friendship with you.  Still wants to move through you to reveal His heart to the world around you.

Impure motives and all.  Still-in-process-ness and all.

So who am I, anyway, to say, "God, You can't use me yet. I'm not ready"?  

And who are you?  

We are on a growth journey, each one of us.  And we will continue to be.  He will continue to refine, to correct, to bring to our attention the impure places in our hearts, in His timing.  And if our hearts are after Him, we will be tender and responsive to His precise conviction, to His tender purifying processes.

And the places in our hearts that are yet hidden?  Guess what: It's not our job to worry about them.

I don't know about you, but that knowledge makes me breathe a sigh of relief.  Like, almost daily.

It's HIS job, and He does this whole purifying-revealing-convicting-cleansing-me-on-the-inside thing so much better than I ever could on my own.

So.   I think I'll take some confident steps forward now.  

Steps into letting Him be fully Himself inside of me.  Into letting Him speak and move and extend His heart to others through me, despite whatever is going on in my depths that I'm not fully aware of.  

Because He sees it all.

Because He intimately knows my heart, and He is greater than my heart.  Because He has made me righteous, and I'm His work-in-progress.

He's more than got me covered.

So I can be confident.  Refuse to let fear paralyze me.  And move forward.  Become all I was made to be.

How 'bout you, friend?

Ready?  

Go.

Zoning In On Easter [We Who Once Were Far Away Have Been Brought Near...]

Hello friends!  Happy Easter weekend to y'all!

I have to admit, this year I have not been as focused on "Holy Week," these days leading up to Easter, as I normally am.  My mind has been preoccupied with other things.  

But I'm taking this writing course online (I'll tell you more about it soon), and I had a writing assignment to do today... and this is what came out.  I think my heart just needed to zone in on Easter... on the victory that was accomplished for us on the cross. 

It's brief... but I wanted to share this with you all today.  May it bless you.... and may the full revelation of the finished work of the cross and the freedom that was won for us make your heart burn inside of you this Easter.

Easter.  It comes around every year.  The calendar, and hopefully the weather, say “springtime!” ...and Easter arrives, hand-in-hand with warmer temperatures and tulips popping their heads through the soil in my flower beds.  

It comes with such regularity that sometimes, I forget to notice it.  To pause.  To ponder. 

And today…Saturday… is a day for pondering.  Friday, Jesus died.  Sunday, He arose victorious.

But Saturday?  Saturday, death had conquered. Or so it seemed. The Lord of the universe was in the tomb, sealed by a giant stone and guarded by soldiers. 

Those who loved Him were devastated.  Those who’d killed him?  Pretty sure they were squirming on the inside over what they’d done: “Surely this man was the Son of God.”  (Mark 15:39)

The disciples huddled together, shoulders shaking with grief, hearts shattered, hopes dashed and dreams crushed.

They’d forgotten what He’d said.  Or simply not understood.  “Destroy this temple and I will raise it again in 3 days.”

Darkness seemed to have won.  The sting of death hung thick in the air… thick in the hearts.

All the world waited.

The hours ticked by. 

Night... and tears... fell.

And then… then, came a Sunday morning sunrise like none other, before or since.  A sunrise accompanied by the trembling of the earth as the Son of God rose, life restored, divine power pulsing, surging through His glorified body.

And those women, trudging to the tomb that morning, hearts and feet heavy with sorrow?  NOTHING could have prepared them to hear one of the most victory-infused, power-laden declarations ever spoken: 

“Why are you looking among the dead for someone who is alive?  He isn’t here! He is risen from the dead!”

He is RISEN! 

We say it every Easter – “He is risen.”  And the response: “He is risen indeed.”

But do we really consider the implications of that first Easter morning, its practical impact on our lives? 

Death is swallowed up in victory, and we who once were far away have been brought near!! NEAR!!  Near to the heart of God, near to the throne of grace, invited into intimate friendship with the Holy One!  

All because He is risen.  Because the power of sin and death over us has been SHATTERED. Because by His death and resurrection, Jesus CRUSHED the head of our enemy.

Because He loves us.  Because we were the joy set before Him, His motivation to endure the cross.  Your heart… and mine.

He is risen… and we have been brought near… and set wildly free... and brought to life on the inside.

And I am so… beyond… thankful.

Why This Year's Daniel Fast Was So Different [or... "Warning: Crazy Undignified Gratitude Bubbling Just Under the Surface, Ready to EXPLODE"]

I've mentioned recently that our church concluded a 21-day Daniel Fast this past Sunday.  This is something we do as a church family near the beginning of every year.  It sharpens our focus, reminds us of priorities, increases our unity as a church family, and is just generally a phenomenal way to start out a year.

In years past, I've participated in the Daniel Fast very, very willingly, wanting to be in unity with our church fam, and I've been consistent about intentionally seeking the Lord during that time, asking Him for specific, practical things, along with things that I've wanted Him to do in my own heart.  It's always been a really good experience for me.

But this year, there was something very different about these three weeks for me.  Leading up to the fast, I was EXCITED about it.  Not dreading giving up a lot of the foods that I enjoy, not begrudging, but really, genuinely excited.

During the fast, I'd be lying if I said there weren't moments that I craved heavy whipping cream in my coffee or dessert after dinner... or MEAT.... BUT.... the entirety of the fast proved to be significantly easier for me than it has been in years past.  And coming OFF of the fast these last couple of days has been very interesting.  I've enjoyed pizza and french fries and cheesecake and cream in my coffee... But I haven't found myself NEEDing them, or even being ALL that excited about them.

Interesting.

What's changed in my heart?  I mentioned  in my last post that in this season of my life the Lord has brought a sharpness, an alertness to my spirit that I maybe have never experienced before.  He has increased my awareness of His presence and activity in my life.  There's a fire of desire for Him in my heart that's grown to a level of intensity and purity that I've never experienced, in the entirety of my walk with Him.  I've been intentional to cultivate this in this season.  I've been wrecked by His love like I've never been before.  

I've been undone by the ridiculously scandalous GOODNESS of the Gospel, the finished work of the cross, all that Jesus purchased for us there.  Oh my goodness, the Gospel IS SO CRAZY GOOD!!!

And the level to which God has just wrecked me and undone me and WON me with these revelations of His love and His pursuit of my heart... it begs the question... WHAT SACRIFICE?!?!

WHAT?!  Jesus, you want my obedience and surrender?!  OKAY!  YES, LORD!!  What other response could I possibly have to the goodness of this Gospel?!   What?  A 21-day Daniel fast?  DONE!  YES to reigning in my flesh, choosing to channel all my desires toward YOU and not let my heart run around looking for satisfaction in other places.  YES to choosing to live my entire life for Your glory!  The way You encounter me intimately and satisfy my heart as I choose You in the little things, the seemingly-insignificant-but-really-incredibly-significant moments of my day-to-day journey... You just make it all SO MUCH MORE THAN WORTH IT!!

Oh my goodness, sometimes I feel so crazy these days... Like, so undone by how GOOD the Gospel is, how good HE is, how much insanely undeserved FREEDOM and wholeness and abundance He purchased for us on the cross... sometimes I feel SO UNDIGNIFIED.  And I do still struggle with the fear of man (though it's diminishing steadily) so this is an interesting combo - this wild, untamed GRATITUDE and my little moments of (still) wondering what people will think if I just go nuts and ditch the microphone and keys and run a couple laps around the church during worship because I just can't contain this crazy JOY anymore....???!!!

But I digress.

My entire point in all of this is that, when we really understand the goodness of the Gospel, how "we who once were far away have been brought near by the blood of Christ" (Eph 2:13), what it REALLY MEANS that we've been brought near to HIM...that the sovereign, all-powerful, terrifyingly holy CREATOR OF THE UNIVERSE, He INTIMATELY knows MY HEART, YOUR HEART, and He's made a way for us who were dead in our sin to be FULLY, CRAZY-ALIVE in Him and to live close to His heart, how His blood became our righteousness and purchased for us what we never could have attained on our own - right standing before our perfectly holy Father, completely clean, washed from our sin, made new....  How when God looks at us He sees us covered in the righteousness of Christ....  WHEN WE REALLY UNDERSTAND THIS GOSPEL, our obedience, our surrender, they'll FLOW FREELY out of a heart that's overwhelmed with gratitude and WHAT OTHER RESPONSE COULD WE POSSIBLY HAVE than to give Him our WHOLE. ENTIRE. LIVES?!?! 

Okay.  Whew!  Deeeeep breaths, Dana.

Um... I don't know where to go from here.  I think I was trying to explain why this year's Daniel Fast was so different for me from years past.  It's the revelation of the goodness of the Gospel... how truly understanding what He's done for us changes every. facet. of. my. life.  And how else can I respond but to completely lay my life down?  Fast?  Sacrifice?  WHAT SACRIFICE?

To quote (again) the old Jason Upton song that I recently referenced in a devotional I wrote during our Daniel Fast.... "This is NO sacrifice; here's my life!"

Thanks, friends, for sharing in my wildness today. :)

Be blessed to know, really, deeply KNOW, the wild, unrestrained love of Your Father's heart toward you today, friends... the ridiculous goodness of the GOSPEL.

You're so loved....