Monday, March 25, 2013

So I Had A Miscarriage... And Our Adoptive Family Profile Is Being Presented Today.

(So I have another piece, kind of a "part 2" to the last piece I wrote re. Lizard Skillz.  I was going to post it today.  But... I'm feeling the need to wait on that one and bring you this today instead.  Hang with me friends?)
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10 days ago, I had a miscarriage.

I didn't write about it.  I kept quiet not because I felt the need to keep our loss a secret, but because I honestly just didn't know what to say about it.  I felt numb.  

I wondered where my emotions were.  Had they died?  Had my ability to grieve been permanently seared by the number of losses I've experienced?

1 baby, 2 babies, now 3 babies... Not to mention our former foster daughters - both of them.  

That's kind of a lot of loss crammed into 5-going-on-6 years.  A lot of nightmares.  A lot of heart-wrenching, agony-filled cries to the Lord.

A lot of unanswered "WHY?"s.

And this time, this last loss, I just didn't quite know how to process.  If you talked with me during that week that I miscarried, I probably sounded weirdly okay.  Or rather, simply out of touch.  I was genuinely okay on one level... I wasn't putting up an "okay" front.  Under the surface though, I knew I needed to feel more. 

But since I couldn't at the time, I let it go, handed my heart and my emotions and my grief process over to the Lord, trusting Him with the process and the timing.  I put one foot in front of the other and kept walking.

Fast forward to today.  I sat down to write a blog post about something completely different.  Something that will now have to wait for another time.  Because when I glanced at my email, I had a link to Ann Voskamp's blog in my inbox... and since I can rarely resist her writing, I hopped on over to her place.  

This was her post for today.

And that Laura Story song?  It used to make me mad.  For real.  That doesn't happen to me often.  I used to turn off K-Love whenever it would come on.  I could write a whole 'nother post about the reasons for my heart response to her song.  Suffice it to say, it was wrong.  I was wrong.

So I watched that video today.  Watched Laura sing it.  I glued my little bottom to the couch and I set my heart before the Lord and I listened.  I'd heard the story before, of her husband's brain cancer.  At least pieces of it.  

But with a reminder of that story combined with my current life circumstances as the backdrop... this song wrecked my heart today.  In a very good way.  It was a "wrecking" that needed to happen.

And... the second after I clicked "play" on the video of this song, I glanced at the time: 1:02 pm.  And I realized... our profile is being shown right. now.  As we speak.  A birth mom will, in the next hour or two, be making a decision between our family and a few others as possible adoptive families for her baby girl.

Deciding that the timing of this was not coincidental, I leaned into the Lord.  And I mean, I leaned hard.  Trusting, trusting, trusting....surrendering more deeply.

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home
It's not our home

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You're near

What if my greatest disappointments
Or the achings of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise
(Laura Story - Blessings. This only the last half of the song.)

If my "greatest disappointments and the achings of this life" come in the form of loss, in the form of my family not looking the way I've dreamed it would, and possibly in the form of our family not being chosen for a baby yet again.... can I press in and trust Him?  Trust His heart toward me?  Trust that the trials of this life are His mercies in disguise?

I wept.  Sitting here on my couch, the tears finally came.  Over this miscarriage...and over all of it.  The babies that are now in Heaven... over "our" sweet girls who are no longer ours... the long wait for this adoption.

And it dawned on my heart all over again: "the rain, the storms, the hardest nights" - these are mercies in disguise because in it all, He invites us to know Him.  In it all, He is working for our good (Rom. 8:28)... and our greatest good is nothing but to know His heart and surrender to His love.

Someone once said that it's only here on Earth that we'll have these opportunities, these invitations, to know the Lord in the midst of suffering.  In Heaven, for eternity, we will know Him in joy and radiance and splendor and beauty and the absence of pain.  

But it's only here and now, only for this blink-of-an-eye life, that He gives us these opportunities, these invitations to encounter Him intimately in the midst of our pain.  Our grief.  Our losses.

I want to know Christ, sharing with Him in the fellowship of His suffering.

When I get to Heaven, I want to know Him like that.  

This is my chance to cultivate that kind of intimacy with Him.  Right now.  I want to respond to Him well while I can... while I'm here.  

Oh God....Your heart toward me is good - I believe it.  I do.  

Let me know You intimately here, now... in the midst of these mercies in disguise.
PS.  Though I rarely intentionally invite comments these days, please know that your hearts and thoughts are always so very welcome here, friends.  And that YOU are always welcome here, comments or not.

PPS. I have just (tonight, Tuesday, 3/26) enabled Disqus on this site.  It'll upgrade the level of community happening around here by letting you know when I, or someone else, responds to a comment that you leave.  That said... it is taking a bit to sync with my blog... so to those of you who've left a comment here, please be assured - it'll come back!  All comments should reappear by tomorrow.  Along with my replies. :)  In the meantime - y'all are welcome to leave comments.  They should show up just fine.  Thanks, everyone. Really.  Y'all are so loved.


  1. Wow, Dana, I am so sorry for your loss. I understand that the heartache and the pain. Thank you opening up and sharing your heart. Praying for you!


    1. Hey Kristi...

      Thanks my friend. I know you know... and I'm sorry that you know. :( So appreciate your reading and commenting and supporting and praying.

      Love you a bunch.

    2. Dana,
      Love you,

  2. While I'm really sorry to hear this, I am glad for sharing your heart and thoughts. I really related to your experience of feeling numb even though you know you should be feeling *something*, but then not really being all that upset that you're in a daze. I've always wondered if other women go through that or if maybe I was just bad at suppressing issue I found difficult to process. I love you, and I am sorry to hear about this. Hugs from India girl.

    1. My friend! So glad to hear from you here. All I can say is, "I feel ya." Oh, do I ever.

      I've found all I can do in those times is let it go, stop trying to MAKE myself feel something, and trust the Lord that He'll bring things up at the right time, in the right place. He's committed to the processes of our hearts... I have to remind myself of this. :)

      Love you and so excited to see you soon!

  3. Hey Dana,

    I love that song by Laura Story, and who doesn't love Ann Voskamp? :) I have been learning that God uses the pain to bring us to Him - not exactly encouraging to think about. It is cool that I stopped by to visit today, because I had been reading about how God is in the midst of suffering, then I had heard the song on the radio, and now this post (haven't been to Ann's yet).

    I find life in general to be really difficult - sometimes I remain numb to the normal, so I am deeply saddened and sorry for your loss, making life more excruciating right now. My sister experienced 3 miscarriages in a row. I will be praying for you. Kinda hard to think of joy in the midst of sorrow, and yet He wraps them together. Hoping joy comes your way in the form of adoption progress soon!

    Sorry it has been a while since I've visited - I've been overwhelmed in a completely different way. Blessings to you.

    1. Hi Jamie! Thanks for stopping by... and for sharing your heart. YES... He for sure wraps joy and sorrow together, eh? Nothing more bittersweet than experiencing His goodness even in the midst of loss. I'm believing we'll taste and see... and really, we are ALREADY tasting of His goodness - SO MUCH.

      Blessings back atcha. Where your life feels really difficult, may you know His sustaining nearness in a deeper way than before.


  4. Hi, I am fairly new reader and I rarely comment on blogs but I have come to look forward to seeing your posts in my e-mail. I almost commented on the last one because I loved it so much ... but I didn't say anything. This time though, I need to tell you how sorry I am for this great loss and hurt. Today's post gave me goosebumps because, well, I 'get' what you are saying. I've never lost a baby but I know grief and difficulties of my own. And it is in that place of my own heartache and in the fellowship of His sufferings, I will pray for you tonight.


    1. Hi Tanya, I am so genuinely blessed tonight by your comment. Thank you for reading, and thank you so much for sharing your thoughts, your support. And... thank you for your prayers. May you know the sweetness of intimate fellowship with Him in the midst of your own heartache tonight, friend. Love having you here.

  5. Wow! Thank you for your honesty and sharing your heart with your readers.

  6. Hi Jo, you are so welcome. I don't know any other way to be.... :) Thank you for reading and for your encouragement! Great to have you here!

  7. I feel your pain. My daughter has lost 4 babies. I was with her when she lost one, and I held a tiny mass which I loved, and had trouble letting go of. Her 5th is a beautiful healthy son. I am thankful she never gave up, and God never gave up on her.
    a Mom

    1. Hi there,

      I'm so sorry to hear about your daughter's losses. How hard and sad and discouraging... I'm just so sorry. And... how AMAZING of God to give her a sweet little guy after it all...

      Blessings to you... Thanks for sharing a piece of your story here!


Hi there, friend! I'm honored and blessed when you share your heart, your thoughts, your feedback with me here. At the same time, I want my readers to feel free to read and process internally before the Lord... to not feel obligated to spit out immediate feedback.... so I am SO not upset or offended by non-commenting readers. Please be who you are - - internal AND external processors welcome here! :)

**If you have trouble leaving a comment, try going to where it says "comment as," or "Choose an Identity," changing the setting to "anonymous," and commenting as an anonymous user. Just make sure you leave your name in your comment if you'd like me to know who you are.**

Thanks so much for walking beside me a little ways here.

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