Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Core Motives: Excellence or Perfectionism?

Image Credit: thedailymuse.com
As moms, "doing" seems to be our full time job, doesn't it?  We cook for our families, feed our little ones, clean up messes, run errands, do laundry, clean up MORE messes, teach our children, discipline, clean up still MORE messes, mediate an argument, give baths, discipline some more, instruct little hearts, clean up again, read bedtime stories, pray for our kids, tuck them in.  And then we clean up again.  Go to sleep.  Wake up.  Repeat.

A year or so ago, a dear friend called me one day and spoke something into my heart that has changed my heart and perspective in all of these tasks that are continually before me.

The illustration was this: Me, wearing 2 different shoes.  One was labeled "perfectionism," and the other, "excellence."  He said he felt that the Lord wanted to remove my "perfectionism" shoe and replace it with another "excellence" shoe.

My friend shared with me these essential truths:  that perfectionism is motivated by fear... whereas excellence is motivated by love.

Isn't it interesting how similar these 2 shoes can look at first glance? But from God's perspective, they are as different as night and day.  

Perfectionism is our attempt to earn favor: other people's, or God's.  Excellence is operating out of a sureness that we already HAVE God's favor...and that's all that matters.  

And the RIGHT-NOW-ness of this truth FOR ME crashed in on my heart in that moment.  I knew the Lord and I were about to embark on a journey.

Ever since my friend's phone call that day, God and I have been in process together, Him often revealing to me areas of my heart where I've been operating ("doing") out of perfectionism instead of excellence.

What I Know Now...

In all of our "doing," what matters to the Father so much more than all our accomplishments... is the condition of our hearts before Him in the midst of our doing.  Are we motivated by love?  Or by fear?

Here are some symptoms that clue me in to places in my heart where my motive in doing has been perfectionism/performance/striving:
  • I'm motivated by a subtle (or not so subtle?) fear.  Fear of failure, of not meeting people's expectations, of disappointing myself...fear of disappointing God.  Fear of people's opinions of all my running around and doing.
  • I compare myself to other moms, rating myself as either inferior or superior in my performance.
  • Feverishly working to achieve goals; being afraid to slow down and rest.
  • OR... Being almost paralyzed by fear of failure, so much so that I almost can't get up and get ANYthing done.
  • Possibly swinging back and forth between the 2 previous extremes... maybe even several times per day.
  • I'm easily stressed out if I don't accomplish all that I had set out to do on a particular day... I don't trust God with what I'm unable to get done and let it go.
  • After finishing a project or a conversation, I hash and re-hash what I could have or should have done or said differently... I have a hard time leaving the results to the Lord.
  • I sometimes frantically grasp for control of my environment... Everything must be perfectly in order.  If it's not, it speaks negatively of me.
These are the warning signs.

And when the Father highlights one of these symptoms in my heart, instead of seeing it and allowing my thinking to move toward condemning myself for my failure, God asks me to see it as a gentle invitation from Him to once again allow Him to remove my "perfectionism shoe" and allow excellence to become my core motivation in yet another arena of my heart.

"Child," He says, "I long for your obedience and all of your "doing" to flow out of a confidence and a rest in Your heart, a deep knowledge that your status of 'beloved one' is not dependent upon what you do... or don't do."

And I want to live before Him as a daughter, confident in her Father's affections... so much so that the opinions of anyone else (including myself!) pale in comparison... don't you?

Here are some signs that I'm operating out of Love-empowered excellence:
  • I'm relaxed as I go about completing the tasks before me.  I'm not stressed if I'm unable to accomplish everything on my to-do list for a particular day.
  • I am secure.  I don't need to perform perfectly in order to prove my worth.  My value has already been determined by Jesus' sacrifice for me...His blood that "speaks a better word" over me. To the Father, I am worth the blood of His Son...and nothing I can do (or fail at doing) can increase or decrease my value to Him.
  • My identity is in the Father, His heart toward me, and who He says I am....and NOT in how clean my house is, how obedient my son is, or how much I can "git 'er done."
  • I can give genuine effort to a project or conversation (or blog post!) out of a place of resting in the Lord, do my best while abiding in Him, trust Him with the results, and then let it go.
  • I am motivated and encouraged and empowered by my Father's "well done!" as He whispers it to my heart throughout my days... as opposed to being motivated by the desire to earn God's favor, or to impress people... or the fear of how their opinions of me might change if I fail to perform.
God... more and more, let me be found with 2 "excellence" shoes on my feet.  Would you let perfectionism and all my striving to perform in my own strength fall off of me as I am more and more deeply rooted and grounded in Your love...Your perfect love that casts out fear?  I choose right now to rest in Your commitment to completing this work that you've begun in my heart.  You will finish what You've started.  Come and have Your way in me, Father.  I trust You....

Be blessed today, friends... and could I encourage you to courageously allow Him to examine your heart today, to begin to remove your "perfectionism shoe" and replace it with excellence that flows out of your identity in Him?  He is so committed to the fully-alive-ness (if that's a word) of your heart...
...And you are so loved,


PS - Linking up over here this morning, at SarahMae.com. Join me if you have a sec?





27 comments:

  1. Replies
    1. Thank you so much, Jimmie! I kind of struggled writing this one so it means a lot to hear that you were encouraged. :) Glad to have you here!

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  2. Dana, it's like you were inside my head the past day or so. :) I've been wrestling with perfectionism since failing my UK driving test for the 4th (sigh...) time on Wednesday. Leon pointed out that I'm a perfectionist, and that's why I'm so hard on myself. This post really made me think!

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    1. Oh dear, that must be so frustrating! I'm so sorry you're having issues with the test. I can only imagine how different it must be from driving in the States. Praying for you right now that you can get to the roots of some of that perfectionism with the Lord... that He'll go deep and replace it all with perfect Love... and that you can be super duper RELAXED the next time you take that test!! :) Love you... grace to you today!

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  3. P.S. Just noticed the new domain name. Love it! :)

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    1. Thank you so much! It's a work in progress. Complete face lift is on its way.... :) So excited!

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  4. I'm sure this is a post that I will look back to for insight and wisdom after I become a mom. Thanks for this truth.

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  5. Really good, Dana. I find that it's often very easy to blur the line between the two (excellence and perfection). I think that's partly why we are to view everything as worship to the Lord: it helps us to remember that all we do is in humble gratitude to the only One who has ever been, and will ever be, perfect. Thanks for the reminder and the encouragement! :)

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    1. Hey Kelly, thanks for sharing this! Yes!! Lifestyle of worship... Nothing sweeter!

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  6. I have been so struggling with this during this week...frustrated and crabby to my whole family because of it. What a great perspective...I hope to implement this into my life. Thanks for sharing.

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    1. Hi Katie, so sorry you've had a rough week... but glad this is helpful! It's been so helpful to ME! :) Grace and peace to you on this journey... Thanks for stopping by here today! Love having you!

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  7. The perfectionist shoe describes me way too much. Thank you for your encouraging and challenging post. Now off to teach a Bible lesson to young girls in God's strength and with the motivation of love, not fear!

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    1. Hi Tanya! Glad to have you here! Hope your Bible study went well tonight. :) So glad you were encouraged... thanks so much for saying so! Blessings to you!

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  8. Hey Dana,

    You were so sweet at my post on Incourage, I had to come meetcha at your place. And then I smiled. You've written a gorgeous post about something that's been percolating in my mind for YEARS! I've explained to others I'm an *excellentist* not a perfectionist... and wow, have you fleshed out the reasons. Kudos :).

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    1. Hey Robin - so fun to see you here!! :) Thanks so much for hopping over! I love that you're an "excellentist!" Haha... awesome terminology. I'm one of those too...or rather, growing into one of those. Anyway, thanks so much for your encouragement... such a blessing. You're a blessing to me every time you post at incourage. Thanks for your heart!

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  9. so true for me--loved it!

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    1. Hey Rebecca! Thank you so much for reading... sometimes this stuff is easier to write about than to actually articulate in conversation... so it really blesses me when my HC peeps read. :) Really glad it was helpful to you.

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  10. Dana...visiting from Sarah Mae's linkup.

    I am going to have to read and re-read this post over and over and over. I have all of the "symptoms" of perfectionism that you listed. I know it's one of my biggest struggles (i even have a section on my blog for "recovering perfectionist") and I have never heard this comparison or difference in mindset between perfectionism and excellence. I cannot thank you enough.

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    1. OH... Aprille... (By the way, what a COOL spelling of your name. Gorgeous.) You are so precious. Thank you so much for your encouragement...and I'm SO GLAD that this post was helpful to you. God is faithful and He WILL COMPLETE what He's started in you... Praying for grace for you in this area right now...and freedom from fear in Jesus' name. xoxo

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    2. Thank you so much for your encouragement and your prayers.

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  11. PS I meant to leave this link in my first comment. Whoops: http://beautifulinhistimeblog.wordpress.com/2012/05/21/confessions-of-a-recovering-perfectionist/

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  12. dana...copying and printing the "signs of love-empowered excellence". just the reminder i need, not only forthe writing god is calling me to do, but in everything...thank you!--kris

    plantedoak.wordpress.com

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    1. Hi, that's awesome Kris! I'm so glad that the list is helpful to you. Grace and blessings to you in your writing and all that you do! :)

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Hi there, friend! I'm honored and blessed when you share your heart, your thoughts, your feedback with me here. At the same time, I want my readers to feel free to read and process internally before the Lord... to not feel obligated to spit out immediate feedback.... so I am SO not upset or offended by non-commenting readers. Please be who you are - - internal AND external processors welcome here! :)


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