You know the tone of voice I'm talking about, right? The one that might make you cringe a little [or a lot]? The one that sometimes makes me lean a little in the direction of feeling sorry for myself (I call it Mommy-Martyr Syndrome), with thoughts like, "I feel like all I do is run around meeting everyone else's needs but my own."
I was thinking the other day, remembering back to a different, much more painful, season in our lives. Can I just say that there aren't many things as painful as having a child from birth, and then at age 2 having to train her to no longer call you "Mommy."
It was hell. I'm sorry.... but I can't think of a better word to describe the agony.
We let her call us "Mommy" and "Da-da" because we felt that she needed the security and the language development. We were the only mom and dad she'd ever known... from 2 days old.
And I'd by lying if I said that in our hearts, we didn't long for it to be true.
So on the day we had to release her to her birth mother, the fact that both we and her birth mom still desired our involvement to a degree in her life, felt that it was best for her in the long run, meant that we had to "un-train" her to call us Mommy and Daddy.
It was confusing and painful for her.... heart-wrenching for us.
And now.... as a [NON-foster] mommy, with my own little guy who the "system" can't come and take away from us [at least, we pray that that doesn't become a possibility in the near future], hearing that word is so sweet to me....
In the post I wrote the yesterday for Isaac's 2nd birthday, one of the items on my list of things we love about him was: "You call me Mommy. (Be still my heart.)"
I really mean that... sometimes when he calls me Mommy, my heart does a flip. It's real. It's true. I get to be his Mommy. I get to make his breakfast and change his diapers and potty train him and read him books. I get to pour my life into him and raise him and partner with Jesus to shape him and see him become who he was created to be. I GET TO. I could just cry.... Oh, how my heart feels like it might explode with gratitude.
Having loved and poured out and prayed and hugged and kissed and mothered and LOST.... It makes me savor these precious moments just a little more than I might have otherwise.
Jesus, thank you so much for my son. Thank you that he calls me Mommy...that I get to be his Mommy for the long haul. Thank you that I get to have him with me for another year of his life.
And yet I know that we are guaranteed no tomorrows.....
And I just have to say right now.....
Every sleepless night with him.... It's been so much more than worth it.
The long days.... worth it.
The poopy diapers... worth it.
The perpetual cleaning up of messes... worth it.
The requests to play with play dough, to read book after book, to go outside... worth it.
The inability to have an uninterrupted conversation with a friend for this season... worth it.
The day-in, day-out laying down my life for this precious little guy... WORTH IT!!!!
It's so much more than worth it...all of it... you see, I just love that I get to hear him call me Mommy for another day....
Really.... be still my heart.
May we never take it for granted.
